How to make everyone hate you, by Extinction Rebellion

DO you have an important point to make but want to get it across in a way that makes everyone think you’re an absolute wanker? Follow these tips.

Be completely tone deaf about important events

Making a statement is important, so do something you know will piss off a massive amount of people, like messing about with Remembrance events. You’ll make people who might have been sympathetic hate your cause, but it’s worth it to feel super-edgy.

Include something annoying like circus skills

To add an extra element of annoyance to the bridge you’ve closed in the middle of a busy day, get some jugglers and clowns involved. Nothing gives people trying to get to the office less joy than seeing some hippies attempting circus skills.

Make ordinary people’s lives incredibly inconvenient

We’ve figured out that the best way to make the public detest us is to increase the amount of hassle in their already-stressful lives. We want people to use public transport, so we glue ourselves to trains so they can’t get to work. Makes perfect sense, right?

Be pretentious and po-faced

Even if your cause is very serious, you can win sympathy by having a sense of humour about it. So don’t and instead send your ‘performance artivist troupe’ out in disturbing masks and costumes to terrify people trying to have a nice time at the beach.

Enjoy how f**king annoying you are

‘Yes, that’s the point’ we reply when people tell us we’re annoying. And then when this makes people angrier, we enjoy it even more. Looking like you’re having a whale of a time pissing people off really gets the environmental message across.

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Carrie Symonds announces cabinet reshuffle

CARRIE Symonds, in her capacity as prime minister’s consort, has announced a full cabinet reshuffle. 

Symonds, who holds the role because she was the one Boris Johnson was impregnating when the music stopped, fired director of communications Lee Cain yesterday and intends to clear out more dead wood today.

She said: “Dominic Raab goes. He once came in when I was breastfeeding, and I can’t forget the look on his face.

“Michael Gove we’ll shift to somewhere else unimportant – maybe environment? – just to keep him tantalisingly orbiting power. 

“Hancock stays, in advance of next year’s trial and public execution, but I’m just one more unmarried mother to Priti Patel so she’s getting Northern Ireland. That should be fun, what with all these interesting customs arrangements. 

“And Rishi’s going nowhere. We all love Rishi. He’s actually got money, unlike that broke-ass bitch I’ve ended up shackled to.” 

She added: “Dom? I can’t take Dom away from him. Dom’s all he’s got.”