Five ways to back out of a drunken marriage proposal

GOT so hammered at the weekend you inadvertently popped the question? Here’s five ways to wriggle out of it: 

‘Let’s have a long engagement to save for the most special wedding ever’

Hen and stag dos in Costa Rica and Tokyo, marrying on a Seychelles beach, honeymooning in a treetop lodge overlooking the Serengeti: it doesn’t matter so long as it’s financially unattainable. You’ll still have to spaff cash on a swanky engagement ring, but it’ll buy you time to get caught having an affair.

‘I’ll need to ask your father’s permission’

She’ll doubtless wonder why you’ve gone all Downton Abbey, but you’ve got a secret weapon: you know her dad hates you. Go to him privately, be honest, take a few punches in the face and walk out of there proudly bearing his refusal. Unless he spitefully gives his blessing in which case you’re f**ked.

‘We’ll need some rules’

Should put him right off the idea if you make them as draconian as possible. He does all the housework, domestic finances and cooking, you look after the needs of your girls down the pub. Chuck in the suggestion of a pre-nuptial agreement and you’ll be off the hook and he’ll be forever traumatised.

‘I was just taking the knee’

Claim that your advocacy for Black Lives Matter was misunderstood and your only proposal was to free people of colour from their iniquitous position under captalism. He’ll be baffled but you can’t be openly piss-boiling furious with anyone fighting racism in 2022.

‘Sweetheart, you misheard’

You were only kneeling awkwardly because you were too pissed to stand, and what you actually said was ‘Will you carry me?’ because you were so rat-arsed you couldn’t manage the stairs. Why else would you have blacked out five minutes later with no idea she’d even said ‘yes’?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lads' mags and other things modern men secretly miss

SOCIETY has come a long way toward fighting misogyny and eliminating sexism, which is great as long as you keep quiet about missing these things: 

Lads’ mags

Men’s magazines have gone the way of all print media, leaving a generation privately mourning sophisticated lifestyle publications that had loads of jugs in them. Now men have to get their fix via the comparatively hardcore internet, and the shelves of WHSmith’s are bereft of Lucy Pinder and witty headlines like ‘BOOBAPOCALYPSE NOW!’

Locker room banter

Off-colour humour used to be a cornerstone of male bonding, but social media keeps this cancellable chatter in check. Instead of cracking bad taste one-liners in the workplace, men can now only access these jokes on Netflix comedy specials. It’s political correctness gone mad.

Health and safety

In the days before health-and-safety, men were free to pick up heavy objects however they liked and put their backs out for weeks off on the sick. Now they have to abide by ridiculous rules protecting their physical wellbeing and making them feel like wimps. They’ll never be Depression-era construction workers at this rate.

The 1950s

Yes, the 50s were full of myriad societal injustices, but if you were a man you got to come home to a hot meal made by your doting wife. Plus you got to wear a fedora in an era when they hadn’t been ruined by hipsters. Even the most progressive of modern blokes can’t deny that that sounds fun.

Lunchtime drinking

Popping out to the pub and downing a couple of pints at lunch used to be the highlight of the working day, but now companies unreasonably demand their employees be sober on their time. How can men be expected to perform in punishingly dull jobs without a dozen units swimming through their veins?

Rachel Stevens

Her solo career showed real promise, especially the Richard X bangers, but she now only turns up on stuff like Dancing on Ice. Though if asked why they miss Rachel Stevens, men will avoid baring their emotions by bluffing that she was the most shaggable member of S Club 7.