GOT so hammered at the weekend you inadvertently popped the question? Here’s five ways to wriggle out of it:
‘Let’s have a long engagement to save for the most special wedding ever’
Hen and stag dos in Costa Rica and Tokyo, marrying on a Seychelles beach, honeymooning in a treetop lodge overlooking the Serengeti: it doesn’t matter so long as it’s financially unattainable. You’ll still have to spaff cash on a swanky engagement ring, but it’ll buy you time to get caught having an affair.
‘I’ll need to ask your father’s permission’
She’ll doubtless wonder why you’ve gone all Downton Abbey, but you’ve got a secret weapon: you know her dad hates you. Go to him privately, be honest, take a few punches in the face and walk out of there proudly bearing his refusal. Unless he spitefully gives his blessing in which case you’re f**ked.
‘We’ll need some rules’
Should put him right off the idea if you make them as draconian as possible. He does all the housework, domestic finances and cooking, you look after the needs of your girls down the pub. Chuck in the suggestion of a pre-nuptial agreement and you’ll be off the hook and he’ll be forever traumatised.
‘I was just taking the knee’
Claim that your advocacy for Black Lives Matter was misunderstood and your only proposal was to free people of colour from their iniquitous position under captalism. He’ll be baffled but you can’t be openly piss-boiling furious with anyone fighting racism in 2022.
‘Sweetheart, you misheard’
You were only kneeling awkwardly because you were too pissed to stand, and what you actually said was ‘Will you carry me?’ because you were so rat-arsed you couldn’t manage the stairs. Why else would you have blacked out five minutes later with no idea she’d even said ‘yes’?