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Flowers, that's lovely: A girlfriend investigates why

A WOMAN has been presented with a seemingly spontaneous bouquet by her boyfriend. What has he done? Grace Wood-Morris investigates: 

He’s forgotten something

Unless I’ve forgotten one of our significant celebration dates, which I haven’t, he must think he has. But which? I shall accept the flowers haughtily, letting him know he’s done wrong, and wait for him to give himself away later.

He’s bought impulsively

Or he’s compensating in advance for an unwise eBay purchase. Could be anything from a life-size Ultron to a new car. Either way, he knows he’s sinned and this is woefully inadequate as compensation. I’ll retaliate by getting myself that Jigsaw dress that’s in my basket but I had not yet bought, because I am a saint.

He wants a holiday with the lads

The group chat is alive with rumblings of a lad’s trip away. It may have developed into an actual plan, hence the flowers. I’ll get straight on it and report this bouquet to the girls and cross-reference for other suspicious boyfriend behaviour. They’re not going anywhere. But thanks for the flowers.

He loves me

It would be so romantic if he’d been at work thinking about how much he loves me and how much it hurts him to be away from me and that’s why he bought flowers. But based on his track record that’s unlikely. My spontaneous gifts in the relationship so far are a can of Fanta, chocolates he got given by work and a hoodie of his I kind of stole.

He’s cheated

James isn’t the cheating kind, which I know because there’s a tracking app on his phone. Could he have left it at work and snuck out to a hotel for anonymous sex? No, he’s not got that level of planning in him. He can’t even book a citybreak without checking with his mum.

No reason at all

After exhausting all the possibilities. I’ve come to the conclusion that he has bought me flowers for no reason whatsoever. How utterly f**king thoughtless, I deserve better than that.

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How your shitty little town can host its own Oktoberfest

EXPERIENCED Munich’s festival of outdoor beer-swilling and keen to attract similar drunken overspending to your provincial piss-pot parish? Go ahead: 

Find suitable locations

In Munich, the festival occupies every park with hundreds of benches and marquees hosting seven million a year. In your town? There’s Lidl car park and the primary school’s sports field which will be free over half-term. Hire the latter, but do not be persuaded to give free drinks to teachers. You have no conception of how much teachers drink.

Get permission

To serve alcohol a license must be obtained from the local council, and law enforcement informed. Clear both in advance with an evening buying G&Ts at the local golf club. Though you may struggle to get approval from the parish council after a previous dispute over planning permission concluded with you keying the leader’s car.

Contact breweries

No Oktoberfest can take place without enormous quantities of warm, pissy beer, just as the Germans like it. Ignore local microbreweries and their homebrewed turnip IPAs and go straight to the source: a brewing giant willing to sell you whatever gassy lager isn’t even good enough to be sold as Aldi’s Galahad brand.

Source stodge

The Bavarian palate is not a refined one, so the food provided needs only to be able to absorb alcohol. Meat, potatoes and stale bread will pretty much cover it. Partner up with a local prison and ask which meal is best for sending convicts into a stupefied coma, and serve large portions of that. Constipation saves on Portaloos.

Recruit staff

Oktoberfest waitresses take ten per cent of the beer they sell, are blonde, heavily built enough to carry 30 steins at once and have big boobs. Pop by any local rugby club and ask who’s up for dressing as women in pigtails and braided crowns. All will volunteer; pick those you consider sexy. No judgement.

Provide entertainment

Presuming your village isn’t harbouring a secret Nazi fugitive and his oompah band, you’ll need music. The X-Factor tryout from the local pub or the Status Quo tribute act may be too classy. Instead stream classic German hits 99 Luftballons, Wind of Change and Girl You Know It’s True through a Bluetooth speaker.

Hope it doesn’t piss down

You’ve done your very best to make sitting outside while getting wrecked seem like an exotic activity. All you need now is decent weather so your gathering of pissheads stays put long enough to make money. Also, do watch out for moustached men with monorchism trying to incite drinkers into a fascist revolution. It’s been a problem.

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