Saturday, 4th April 2020

Four lies to tell your family when they ask why you're still single

DOES your family Christmas revolve around making you feel like a freakish loner because you’re not coupled up? Here’s how to really terrify them: 

My restraining order stops me from meeting new people
Rather than admit that you haven’t met the right person yet, tell them you physically can’t meet someone because of unspecified crimes that expressly forbid you from engaging in conversation with strangers, under threat of imprisonment.

I love wild sex in dangerous places with multiple partners too much
Whether this is true or not, it will shut your nosy granny up. Unless she tells you it’s one of her favourite hobbies too, in which case Christmas will be ruined in a different way.

Dominic Raab/Julia Hartley-Brewer is already taken
Horrify your liberal family with your secret passion for right-wing hatemongers. Or if they’re that way inclined, tell them you only have eyes for James O’Brien/Rebecca Long-Bailey. They’ll choke on their mini sausage rolls and change the subject.

Because I want to concentrate on my murders
Nobody believes that you want to focus on your career, so try this. They’ll probably take it as a joke, so make it more believable by putting several rolls of gaffer tape, rope, handcuffs and a shovel on your Christmas list in advance.