Ghosting, breadcrumbing, gaslighting: millennial mating behaviours observed by Sir David Attenborough

DESPITE decades of study of the animal kingdom, I remain surprised by the lurid and depraved mating habits of humans. Let us examine the younger generation: 

Dick pics

The male peacock boasts its rich tail plumage; the lion, its proud mane. The millennial male is no different. Keen to impress upon an unsuspecting female his suitability as a mate, he will take a dimly lit photo of his phallus and scrotum and send it to her, typically coinciding with when she’s in an important meeting.


To reproduce successfully, it is key to choose a mate carefully. So in order to entertain a variety of suitors, the female will keep them all in play by laying a trail of semi-flirtatious messages using her dating apps or messaging. The persistent may well be rewarded or used in a support role, for lifts.


Human mating has historically been monogamous and lifelong, to raise children. However the millennial male is presented with choice as never before and has become tremendously fickle. Rather than explain their waning sexual interest these young bucks will deliberately disregard messages, leaving them ‘blue-ticked’ and obviously ignored.


Females of this generation, having rejected a mate, still harbour curiosity about his future prospects. Hence they orbit, cutting off direct contact but continuing to observe his habits through social media and occasionally contributing an emoji. Men see this as an invitation to further sex which it emphatically is not.


Monogamous human pairs inevitably reach a point of deep loathing. Instead of simply parting one of them, usually the male, will embark on a campaign of psychological terrorism against their partner, to control their perceptions and ultimately their reality. He will largely be ignored.


The natural world has evolved a rich panoply of methods of copulation. The spectacle of a group of adult males in a Forestry England car park peering into a Toyota Yaris to watch a couple vigorously hump is no stranger than any of them. Indeed, it is likely the healthiest behaviour here.

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Hedge fund manager has secret crush on Mick Lynch

A MAN who manages liquid assets for a large conglomerate is harbouring a secret crush on RMT secretary Mick Lynch.

When not moving around big sums of money to make even bigger sums of money, PwC hedge fund manager Joseph Turner sneaks off to read the latest news about the union-leading firebrand on his phone.

He said: “It would never work. He’s a man of the people who stands up for the rights of rail workers, and I’ve frequently bought everything in How To Spend It before the new issue’s out.

“But you know what they say about opposites attracting. When I see Mick taking journalists to task on the news I can’t help but fantasise about bumping into him at Waterloo station. I’m taking the Eurostar to Brussels, he’s on a picket line, our eyes meet.

“We grab a coffee at the Pumpkin Cafe. Before long our opposing positions on the chessboard of capitalism are fogotten. We’re holding hands while the moonlight glints off his head.

“We go back to mine. He calls me a parasite. I call him a Commie. We tear off each others clothes and make savage, tender love. How can something so wrong feel so right?”

Mick Lynch said: “Don’t tell anyone but corporate Patrick Bateman types are my kink. Let’s give this a chance.”