DESPITE decades of study of the animal kingdom, I remain surprised by the lurid and depraved mating habits of humans. Let us examine the younger generation:
Dick pics
The male peacock boasts its rich tail plumage; the lion, its proud mane. The millennial male is no different. Keen to impress upon an unsuspecting female his suitability as a mate, he will take a dimly lit photo of his phallus and scrotum and send it to her, typically coinciding with when she’s in an important meeting.
Breadcrumbing
To reproduce successfully, it is key to choose a mate carefully. So in order to entertain a variety of suitors, the female will keep them all in play by laying a trail of semi-flirtatious messages using her dating apps or messaging. The persistent may well be rewarded or used in a support role, for lifts.
Ghosting
Human mating has historically been monogamous and lifelong, to raise children. However the millennial male is presented with choice as never before and has become tremendously fickle. Rather than explain their waning sexual interest these young bucks will deliberately disregard messages, leaving them ‘blue-ticked’ and obviously ignored.
Orbiting
Females of this generation, having rejected a mate, still harbour curiosity about his future prospects. Hence they orbit, cutting off direct contact but continuing to observe his habits through social media and occasionally contributing an emoji. Men see this as an invitation to further sex which it emphatically is not.
Gaslighting
Monogamous human pairs inevitably reach a point of deep loathing. Instead of simply parting one of them, usually the male, will embark on a campaign of psychological terrorism against their partner, to control their perceptions and ultimately their reality. He will largely be ignored.
Dogging
The natural world has evolved a rich panoply of methods of copulation. The spectacle of a group of adult males in a Forestry England car park peering into a Toyota Yaris to watch a couple vigorously hump is no stranger than any of them. Indeed, it is likely the healthiest behaviour here.
