Homeworker forced to work to stay warm

A HOMEWORKER has been forced to do a hard day’s work to maintain enough physical activity to stay warm, she has admitted. 

Web designer Hannah Tomlinson has admitted burning through work at an unsustainable rate just to keep some feeling in her extremities.

She said: “It’s horrible. I check something off my list and settle back to watch an hour of Frasier, but within 20 minutes of total inactivity I’m shivering.

“Even online shopping isn’t working. The only thing that actually gets my circulation going by engaging both my body and mind is actually doing the work I’m paid to do.

“Honestly, once I get going it’s like I’m not sitting in a tiny, freezing office next to an ineffective ceramic heater. I’m typing away in an aura of my own bodily warmth. I get quite into the job. It’s sickening.

“Then I finish, and take a wellbeing break to do something healthy like browse Pornhub for an afternoon, and in no time at all I’m freezing again. It’s like a Victorian workhouse but I’m my own cruel master.

“Was this the government’s plan to boost productivity all along? Joke’s on them. I’ll soon have earned enough to put the heating on.”

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Absolute wanker succeeds in making office Christmas party fancy-dress

WORKERS in an office are reeling from the news that some arsehole has managed to make the work Christmas party fancy f**king dress.

The party had already been dreaded by most sensible people in the Leeds brokerage firm, but the adoption of a mandatory fun dress code has pushed the workplace into full crisis.

Admin assistant Charlotte Phelps said: “With four days to go until the night itself, this is a clinically psychopathic act.

“Office party wear is already a nightmare, balancing festiveness with professionalism with a £20 budget on H&M. Now I’m expected to dress up as well? Piss off.

“It’s not even regular fancy dress or a Christmas jumper. It has to be ‘themed around a Christmas carol’ because Helen the evil HR bitch wants to re-use the slutty angel costume from her birthday while the rest of us scramble for a Good King Wenceslas get-up.

“She even had the nerve to add ‘PS Penalties for anyone who doesn’t get into the spirit!’ The rate she’s going, my costume’s going to be me with two bottles of Malbec down me garotting her with tinsel.”

Colleague Steve Malley said: “Helen is a manipulative monster. I’m going as In The Bleak Midwinter. It’s me, drinking heavily, being depressed.”