Hot singles looking to join social bubbles in your area

ATTRACTIVE single people in your area desperately want to join your social bubble, adverts are claiming. 

According to trustworthy pop-ups on adult websites, hot singles near you are on the lookout for some no-strings-attached household-on-household social bubble fun.

Horndog Wayne Hayes said: “I can only form a social bubble with one household so I should choose my grandma or a lonely friend. But on the other hand Rachel, aged 26, only lives 40 minutes away and is ready to go.

“I’ve been trying to connect with hot singles via my webcam, to ensure I’m making the right decisions about who to bubble up with, but they keep changing the subject. Afraid of commitment.

“But Rachel’s not like that. She’s always sending me GIFs and she seems really keen to share. Yes, normally she’d be out of my league, but these are unprecendented times.

“I’ve sent my credit card details so she can get an Uber over here, and she should be arriving tonight. I hope she’s good with computers. Ever since I clicked on her ad mine’s been playing up.”

Hayes’s grandmother Yvonne said: “I thought Wayne might call about being in his social bubble, but I’m glad he hasn’t. I’ve got Scott, aged 26, coming over later.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Coronavirus still coming down from weekend at rave

THE coronavirus has admitted it has changed its outlook on life after spending Saturday night in a field near Oldham out of its box on E. 

The virus said it initially viewed the illegal outdoor rave as nothing more than an opportunity to replicate, but a few huffs of nitrous, some powerful skunk and a Mario ecstasy tablet changed it forever.

COVID-19 continued: “Wow. Like there’s more to life than infecting people, you know?

“I didn’t know anyone but they were all were so friendly. I got in with this group of really sound lads by the DJ and it was them gave me the pill. And woah.

“It was amazing. Just dancing, and just hearing the music like I’ve never heard music before. This mash-up of This Is America and Losing It and I was punching the air, screaming, just… amazing.

“And I met this girl, and she put a glowing necklace round my spike proteins and danced with me, and it was so like, pure and perfect and I loved her even though I didn’t know her. It was incredible.”

It added: “Yeah. Kind of on a brutal comedown now though. Billy’s popping round with an eighth later. Anyway, where’s everyone at this weekend?”