How to blame your parents for f**king you up

IF your life is a depressing failure, why not blame your mum and dad as Philip Larkin suggested? Here’s how to make them responsible for your personal shortcomings.

They sent you to the wrong school

If your tightarse parents had sent you to private school you would have magically overcome your innate laziness. You could have been a top barrister or something, instead of your current career in fried chicken.

They didn’t teach you how to be popular

If your parents had been witty raconteurs who socialised with fascinating, sparkling people, you would have a heaving social diary rather than spending every evening watching Hollyoaks in a slanket.

They’ve got dodgy genes

Are you a bit of a fatty with a bad haircut and body odour? Technically you can sort out those things yourself, but it’s much easier to blame it on your parents and their bad genetic make-up. Thanks a lot for the beer gut, dad!

They avoided giving you the ‘sex talk’

Your parents never discussed healthy relationships with you, which is definitely the reason you can’t keep a partner, not because you can’t be arsed to brush your teeth and only watch horror films involving lots of torture.

They won’t die so you can buy a house

If your parents have the temerity to still be alive and won’t move to a nasty little bungalow so you can have their money to buy a house, it’s basically child cruelty. Even if you’re 42.

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Man at 'empire building' stage of life barely holding down shitty job in office

A MAN in his forties who feels he should be incredibly successful cannot understand why he is barely holding down a crummy job in an insurance company.

Disorganised low-achiever Tom Booker, 44, had assumed that by now he would be the sort of person with offices in New York and Rome who goes to meetings by helicopter.

Junior manager Booker said: “I can’t understand it. I should be a James Dyson figure constantly growing my business empire, not getting bollocked by my boss for being late again.

“I just want a business to call my own and maybe also an expensive watch. I should be striding manfully down corridors with lackeys following me around taking orders, one of whom should be a really attractive woman.

“However that’s not happened. Admittedly I’ve never worked very hard or had a brilliant business idea but that shouldn’t stop you becoming a billionaire.”

Booker’s wife Joanne said: “For someone who intends to build a massive business empire he spends an awful lot of time on the X-Box.

“Realistically I think this is going to end with him getting a shed.”