Dominic Raab’s guide to the British Isles

AFTER discovering Britain is surrounded by water, Brexit secretary Dominic Raab shares his insights into the British Isles which everyone else already knew.

We’re right next to France

It turns out the large landmass visible from Dover is the sovereign country of France. Fuck me! I’d thought it was Cornwall.

Northern Ireland is actually in Ireland

You wouldn’t have thought it, but Northern Ireland is physically connected to the Republic of Ireland, which is in the EU. This really complicates things, so maybe we can dig up the entire province and move it to Wales.

America can’t be that far away. That’s bollocks

People have claimed the US is more than 4,000 miles from Britain but I don’t see how this can be true. I think it’s more like 50 miles away, which is fortunate because we’ll need to do a lot of trade with them and get our bargain chicken.

Scotland has its own money

After visiting Scotland I was surprised to find it is bigger than Essex and has its own money, almost as if it’s a proper country. I’m not worried though, because I’m sure the Scotch are all loyal British subjects.

Germany’s fucking massive

According to a ‘map’ someone gave me, Germany is large and possibly able to feed itself without British help. It even seems like a country Britain should have some sort of seamless trading arrangement with. I’ll have to look into that.