Dominic Raab's guide to the British Isles

AFTER discovering Britain is surrounded by water, Dominic Raab shares his insights into the British Isles which everyone else already knew.

We’re right next to France
It turns out the large landmass visible from Dover is the sovereign country of France. F*ck me! I’d thought it was Cornwall.

Northern Ireland is actually in Ireland
You wouldn’t have thought it, but Northern Ireland is physically connected to the Republic of Ireland, which is in the EU. This really complicates things, so maybe we can dig up the entire province and move it to Wales.

America can’t be that far away. That’s bollocks
People have claimed the US is more than 4,000 miles from Britain but I don’t see how this can be true. I think it’s more like 50 miles away, which is fortunate because we’ll need to do a lot of trade with them and get our bargain chicken.

Scotland has its own money
After visiting Scotland I was surprised to find it is bigger than Essex and has its own money, almost as if it’s a proper country. I’m not worried though, because I’m sure the Scotch are all loyal British subjects.

Germany’s f*cking massive
According to a ‘map’ someone gave me, Germany is large and possibly able to feed itself without British help. It even seems like a country Britain should have some sort of seamless trading arrangement with. I’ll have to look into that.

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Owning a speedboat in Britain 'a bit shit'

OWNING a speedboat in the UK is nothing like being in Miami Vice or indeed any fun whatsoever, a man has revealed.

Roy Hobbs of Southampton has derived little pleasure or excitement from his high-speed water vehicle that should be incredibly cool to own.

Small businessman Hobbs said: “When I shelled out £21,000 for my Viper LX900 powerboat I forgot one important factor – Britain’s constant fucking rain.

“It’s hard to enjoy the thrill of opening up the throttle when you’re drenched to the bone and the endless drizzle is making congealed seagull shit drip all over the seats.

“Then there’s tedium like paying making sure you’re meeting marine safety regulations and your flare gun is safely stowed. Crockett and Tubbs in Miami Vice never had to fill out a four-page mooring permit for the local council.”

Hobbs’ wife Sandra said: “It’s cold and nasty. I don’t go on it anymore.”

Other problems associated with Hobbs’ disappointing boat included spending a vast amount of time fiddling with the GPS and feeling seasick when he was trying to have a ‘champagne picnic’.

He added: “You can’t go too fast without hitting a yacht or being crushed by a massive Chinese cargo vessel, so this weekend I’ll probably just watch repeats of Come Dine With Me.”