Five guilt-free holiday destinations for annoying middle class people to show off about

DO you want to go on a sickeningly expensive holiday whilst also making a big deal about the fact that you’re not flying there? Here are some excellent destinations.

Padstow

Who needs foreign holidays when you can rent a flashy holiday home and stuff your face in overpriced fish restaurants owned by TV chefs? You’ll be helping to price out the locals, but if you do meet Rick Stein you can bore people shitless about it for the rest of your life.

Paris

Lie to your friends about how much little Olivia and Hugo adored the Louvre when in reality the highlight of their holiday was playing computer games in their hotel room. Also miss out the bit where they begged to go to Disneyland but you wouldn’t let them because it’s common.

The French Alps

Heaven forbid you should have to forego a skiing trip just because you don’t want to fly, so go overland. It’ll be a balls ache of a drive but you’ll still be able to post tedious pictures of the ‘apres ski’ on Facebook. Don’t forget to mention you didn’t fly!

Chipping Norton

Shell out hundreds of pounds to pretend you’re a country squire whilst secretly hoping for a glimpse of David Cameron or that one out of Blur who’s pretending to be a farmer for some reason.

Mallorca

Only people on package holidays call it ‘Majorca’, so make a big fuss about pronouncing it properly on the ferry, in case you get confused with the type of family who drink Lambrini non-ironically instead of one destined for a boutique hotel in an olive grove.