Woman unable to write friendly email without shitload of exclamation marks

A WOMAN is trying to write an email without using exclamation marks but also without coming across as a totally mardy bitch. 

Donna Sheridan has been trying to finish her sentences with simple full stops instead of her usual forced jollity, but worries that she sounds like a robot with severe depression instead.

She said: “In real life I’m not an excitable idiot who feels the need to shriek mundane information as if it’s life-enhancingly joyful, and yet that’s exactly how I email.

“Even at work I add exclamation marks to ‘Hope you’re well!!’ because otherwise it feels like I’m writing ‘You most likely have a terminal illness’.

“Surely I can convey a positive, optimistic tone without a punctuation crutch, but no. So I slather them on and sound like the kind of brittle-eyed hysteric who’s still a holiday rep at 40.

“Fuck it. Maybe I’ll just go all out and sling some emojis in there too. I’m sure the board of directors will enjoy quarterly reports if I finish with 12 smileys in a row.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Middle-class man levels up with own sourdough starter

A MIDDLE-CLASS man has levelled up with the acquisition of his very own sourdough starter. 

After years of steady progress up the social hierarchy, 35-year-old Tom Booker made a huge leap this week thanks to the yeasty status symbol.

He said: “Chutney? Homebrew? Kid’s stuff. This is a whole new realm.

“This little jar of bubbling, living magic was actually gifted to me by a fellow sourdough enthusiast at the community-owned pub. I feel like I’ve been accepted into a sacred world.

Booker has already spent countless hours with the jar of goop, feeding and tending to it like a child and murmuring sorcerous incantations over his square beard.

The news caused a predictable stir among Booker’s competitive middle-class dad friends, who immediately launched a fierce bout of one-upmanship about vinyl collections and miles covered on their Brompton bikes this week.