Woman unable to write friendly email without shitload of exclamation marks

A WOMAN is trying to write an email without using exclamation marks but also without coming across as a totally mardy bitch. 

Donna Sheridan has been trying to finish her sentences with simple full stops instead of her usual forced jollity, but worries that she sounds like a robot with severe depression instead.

She said: “In real life I’m not an excitable idiot who feels the need to shriek mundane information as if it’s life-enhancingly joyful, and yet that’s exactly how I email.

“Even at work I add exclamation marks to ‘Hope you’re well!!’ because otherwise it feels like I’m writing ‘You most likely have a terminal illness’.

“Surely I can convey a positive, optimistic tone without a punctuation crutch, but no. So I slather them on and sound like the kind of brittle-eyed hysteric who’s still a holiday rep at 40.

“Fuck it. Maybe I’ll just go all out and sling some emojis in there too. I’m sure the board of directors will enjoy quarterly reports if I finish with 12 smileys in a row.”