Trump to evade arrest by firing anyone who comes within ten feet

PRESIDENT Trump has confirmed that he will avoid criminal charges by simply firing anyone who attempts to arrest him. 

Trump has begun by dismissing the attorney general who failed to protect him from investigation but will soon just bark ‘You’re fired!’ at any policeman, judge or FBI agent who enters a room he is in.

A White House insider said: “Trump’s fear of arrest and his former Apprentice catchphrase have come together in what, to his mind, is an absolutely brilliant plan.

“It doesn’t matter what evidence they have against you or how many Russian billions they’ve tracked going into your hotels if they can’t get near enough to slap the cuffs on.

“He’s spending all his time in the Oval Office, because it doesn’t have corners for cops to hide behind, and every 90 seconds he wheels around 180 degrees ready to dismiss any lawmen sneaking up on him.

“It’s an idiotic idea only an idiot could believe in. But this is Trump so it’ll probably work.”

The president has also outlined his foolproof plan to remain in power in 2020 by putting his fingers in his ears when election results are announced.

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Freelancer constantly working and dicking about at the same time

A FREELANCER has become trapped between two worlds and is constantly at work while dicking about full-time.

Julian Cook, 34, works from home and has not managed to take a holiday this year despite ending up in the bath most afternoons.

Cook said: “I feel like my work never ends but somehow I find the time to go to Mountain Warehouse and test tents on a Tuesday morning.

“I’ve tried to take a day off but end up answering emails, so I try to do a full day’s work which ends up with me in the hairdressers.

“I’m too busy to see friends because I have reports to write up which I can’t get done because I absolutely have to make a ragu sauce first.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Julian says he can’t get a full-time job because it would take away his freedom which I presume means being constantly stressed about the work he isn’t doing.”