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How to give your girlfriend the best day before dumping her

LIKE a beloved family pet being put down, before parting with one’s girlfriend she must be given one last wonderful day. Follow this schedule: 

Breakfast in bed

Women love this even though it brings crumbs that someone – let’s be honest, her – will have to clean up afterwards. But one final time, reward her with croissants, freshly squeezed juice and a halved fruit nobody wants that looks pretty. If she demands a picture for Instagram, make sure you’re not on it.

Take her somewhere scenic

A country walk, a beach, a farmers’ market or anywhere with attractive scenery and sufficient witnesses in case she works out what’s happening and lashes out furiously. It’s about creating a lovely backdrop to her memories, rather than giving her the bad news in the car park of an out-of-town retail estate. Even if you do need bits from M&S.

Be unusually attentive

Realistically you last listened to her 18 months ago before you got bored of the sex. But she doesn’t need to know that. Ostentatiously listen to whatever she’s rambling on about now. Nod and smile thoughtfully, unless it seems sad. Tell her how amazing she is, laying the groundwork for later explaining that she deserves better than you.

Buy her something thoughtful

Not too expensive, given there will be no return in blowjobs. Nor anything metal or sharp-edged in case she later hurls it at your head. Flowers are always good because over the next ten days they’ll fade away and be forgotten, like your love for her has, in a metaphor which will hopefully help.

Prepare a romantic dinner

Candles and soft music set the scene. Cook your signature dish to leave her with a non-bitter taste on her lips. Gaze into her eyes across the table one last time and wait until the meal’s mostly consumed before saying ‘We need to talk about the future,’ so she’s got nothing hot to tip in your lap.

Break the bad news

Begin by recapping this wonderful, magical day which has brought you together like nothing has since you started messaging girls on Tinder again. Then gently let her down, holding her hand as she drifts away into the darkness. Not that she’s dying. It’s just that you’ll never so much as reply to one of her texts again.

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How to stop your partner from playing phone games for five f**king minutes

ALRIGHT, you’re not that fascinating, but your company is less predictable than the 10,000th hour of Tank Wars. Get that phone down with these techniques: 

Make a polite enquiry

Interrupt his Block Blast! flow by passive-aggressively asking questions about his day, the weather, if what he’s doing is important or a waste of a life. Place the correct stress emphasis to help him understand that although these might seem like polite enquiries, they are in fact strict instructions to stop what the f**k he’s doing and pay you attention.

Give practical support

If your partner is on Disney Dreamlight Valley, move over and begin suggesting alternative strategies and admonishing silly mistakes. She’ll be delighted by your presence and grateful for your help. If she continues to make errors, ask her to give you the phone so you can show her how to do it properly.

Create a distraction

Interrupt Wordle with texts asking if it’s okay to substitute yoghurt for fabric softener, or calling a friend to say ‘Yeah the medical results are through. Yeah positive. Yeah I can’t really talk right now.’ In extreme cases, call the police and claim she’s holding you hostage. It’s emotionally true.

Hack his phone with AI

Apparently rogue AI are swarming all over the internet looking for hacking targets, so recruit one and set it on your husband’s phone. Suddenly his game of Alto’s Adventure is interrupted with achievements like ’10,000 hours you’ll never get back played!’ and ‘Congratulations! Your wife hates you!’

Offer sex

Come on to him, which happens so infrequently it’s up there with solar eclipses, and lure him away from the tense, equally matched game of Fibbage. If he’s ignoring actual real-life boobs for an online opponent and a screen, then cut off his cock. It will be a mercy.

Threaten to leave

When a high score is imminent on PUBG Mobile, it has to be stopped. He can’t be allowed that dopamine. Wheel in a suitcase and calmly tell him it’s the game or you. Expect him to choose the game, then change the wifi password from the car outside and wait for the anguished screams as a place on the leaderboard is denied him. Drive away without regret.

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