How to make the theme of your wedding 'Haha, f**k you, I'm married and you're not'

GETTING married? Invited unmarried friends just to rub their shameful single noses in it? These little touches will send them home weeping that they’ll die alone: 


It used to be religious. But now every couple wants to share their story with a series of cutesy readings. Take the opportunity to pick texts which focus on the love, security and double income that marriage provides. Emphasise how unhappy you were without eternal fidelity, tax breaks and a boost to your credit rating. Mime weeping to hammer it home.


Ride the fashion for displaying photos of the happy couple around the venue by demonstrating how your pooled wealth has enabled skiing in Aspen and the seven-star suite in Dubai where he proposed. While having a wedding registry which condemns single guests to a week at Bognor Regis Butlins. Keep photos of you young and fresh to emphasise that it’s too late to find love now.

A single women’s table

Doesn’t matter if they’re bringing friends, if they’re cousins, if they know everybody; seat them on a table together like lepers of love. They’ll be more comfortable than with couples, their noses pressed up against the glass of the joy and commitment they’ll never know. And putting all the cat-owning spinsters in one place makes it easier to sneer.


Really flaunt your happiness. Pop over to the single ladies’ table, ring held high, to say ‘Hello my girls, hope you’re not too lonely over here!’ to accept their teeth-gritted congratulations. Add ‘look at you, all empowered, no need for a man! I really admire your independence!’ to underline how pitiful they are.

Instruct the photographer

Your photographer will be roaming the venue, taking shots of happiness and love. The unmarried have neither, so make sure your photographer is warned so they don’t appear haunting the record of the occasion like wan, solitary ghosts. Ask them to remove themselves from group shots if necessary. They should leave no trace.

Abandon subtlety

They’ll be pretty drunk by the end – it’s the only solace they have – so when driving away from the venue, go old school and put the addendum ‘And you’re not!’ under the ‘Just Married!’ sign on the back of your car. Drive away slowly.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We ask you: is it wrong to politicise Rishi Sunak f**king off D-Day veterans to be on telly?

THE prime minister chose not to disrespect ITV, our greatest terrestrial channel, by missing his interview with them. Are opponents wrong to make this a political issue?  

Bill McKay, roadside recovery operative: “The D-Day commemoration was cross-party and apolitical, so pissing off home halfway through was the same. Logic, bitches.”

Mary Fisher, vicar: “What if it was Starmer who politicised it by staying? What if that were our reality, and it made him worse than Himmler?”

Margaret Gerving, headteacher: “Look, I know how much it costs to keep a taxi waiting. To keep a helicopter waiting must be four, five times that, so it’s understandable.”

Emma Bradford, dominatrix: “I’m still reeling from the discovery that Martin Freeman fought at D-Day. I suppose he is in everything f**king else.”

Martin Bishop, barman: “Every day’s a D-Day commemoration around my flat, ladies. To be clear, the D stands for dick.”