BRIGITTE Macron is suing over claims that she used to be a man, which is highly unlikely but can easily play on a man’s mind. Here’s how to tell if your partner is the sex they claim to be.
Does she like war films?
There is no agreed definition of gender, but an obvious way to determine someone’s sex is whether they like war films. A Bridge Too Far, Black Hawk Down, Stalingrad – men love them and women instantly nod off. If your partner is genuinely thrilled to watch The Eagle Has Landed for the seventh time, ‘Eve’ may once have been ‘Steve’.
Has she got a depressingly limited wardrobe?
Men have small and unadventurous wardrobes, consisting of little more than two pairs of jeans worn on most occasions, three tops or shirts worn in rotation, and a nondescript outdoor jacket. If your partner’s wardrobe is like this she may be keeping her true gender from you, which is totally unacceptable and basing your relationship on a lie. That said, she doesn’t make you hang around bored shitless in H&M, so maybe just let it ride?
Has she got a large Adam’s apple?
Men have larger Adam’s apples, but their size also varies due to genetics, so it’s not the most reliable guide. Not that this will convince blokes obsessed with the idea that transvestites are always trying to seduce normal men and then surprise them with their ‘meat and two veg’. Although why they’d bother engineering such pointless sexual encounters with obvious twats remains unclear.
Does she have a hardcore hobby?
Women have tedious hobbies like crochet, but the really hardcore hobbyists are always men. If your girlfriend collects obsolete radio valves or has 10,000 Warhammer figures all painted to the same standard as the Sistine Chapel, the chances of her being biologically female are not good.
Is she stronger than you?
Despite the current glut of kick-ass girlbosses, women are usually weaker than men, so if your partner is stronger than you it’s certainly possible she’s had a sex change. However there’s a more likely explanation – you are pathetically weak. And frankly you’d rather see how this ‘having sex with another man’ thing pans out than start going to the gym.
Could she have faked having a baby?
If you’ve got children, is it possible your wife faked the whole thing with padded tummies and, if you were present at the birth, a dummy body with her head poking through like Ian Holm in Alien? It’s admittedly unlikely but not much stupider than many conspiracy theories people believe in. It’s probably safe to say Joe Biden isn’t really a robot.
Could she be using fake genitals?
A surprising number of people convince long-term partners they are a different sex with some form of fake genitals. When such cases end up in court it’s usually incredibly obvious that something was amiss, so if your girlfriend insists on blindfolding you every time you have sex and always sleeping in separate rooms, now may be the time to start being less trusting.
