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Legitimate reasons why I keep you off my social media, by a boyfriend definitely not keeping his options open

By Oli O’Connor, aged 27 and with nothing to hide

BABE, I know you’re concerned about why you never appear on my Insta. So I want to address this transparently to reassure you while continuing to seem unattached. 

First, I’m a very private person. Why I even have social media in that case? To keep up with all your news, hun! Yeah, I guess my desire for privacy doesn’t extend to my gym selfies, travelogue or shirtless shots. Because I’m complex.

Second, my ex still follows me. It would hurt her to see me with someone as hot as you and I know that you wouldn’t want to cause pain to another woman. That’s why I’ve concealed your existence from her; because I’m a committed feminist.

Besides, social media is used by big tech to track us and I want to protect you from that. Your algorithms should remain clean and untouched by my digital presence which is why I assiduously untag myself from all your photos.

The posts I’ve liked were all hot girl selfies? I hadn’t noticed. I guess I was trying, in my clumsy, fat-fingered way, to shore up their flagging self-esteem. Large-breasted women can get insecure and I wanted to be a good ally.

The comments I posted on their photos? An attempt to make friends. I have you and I resent any suggestion that I view women in purely sexual terms. It cheapens our relationship.

Our love should be about what’s real, not what’s online. Which is why our relationship will remain entirely offline, undocumented and deniable should I run into a former fuckbuddy on a night out.

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What to do when you arrive back at work to find your boss invaded Venezuela

BACK in the office? An unusual number of emails arrived while you were enjoying an extended break? Wait, he f**king did what? Shit, what are we going to do now? 

Carry on slowly going through emails

In situations like this, the first one to show concern and ask the boss questions ends up cleaning up after him. Let whoever breaks first do the international arse-wiping. Keep your head down like all the other drones and read every single panicked email thoroughly. Say ‘I wanted to get the whole picture’ if challenged.

Discreetly read up on Venezuela

Not messing around online on your first day back, but keep a little window open with the Wikipedia page. Just to know, like, the language and GDP and useful stuff you can chime in with when the inevitable meeting gets called. Now you think of it, he was talking about regime change in Venezuela at the Christmas do! You were too drunk to listen.

Brainstorm reasons why it’s not a war

You know your boss, and you know how much he likes to be right. So in advance, discreetly on a Post-It, make a cryptic list of reasons why a military operation which killed soldiers and civilians to kidnap a country’s leader isn’t an act of war in any way, and only fools would consider it one. Then volunteer to do a Starbucks run.

Book summer holiday

Just because the boss has decided to violate international law doesn’t mean you haven’t got priorities, and the first is beating Karoline to the 2026 holiday rota. Easter booked, August booked, December 29th, 30th and 31st booked. Bang. Now what’s this invite? ‘Venezuela meeting URGENT’ yeah, that was always coming.

Stand at the back

Arrive late, faking a phone call if necessary, when there aren’t any seats. The boss doesn’t like to look up. He’ll give all the key stuff – organising oil company incursions, negotiating with the existing government, arranging a trial – to the eager beavers who were first in. You’ll probably get away with what, weapons inspections?

Unexpectedly reorganise your entire calendar because you run Venezuela now

F**k. That backfired. Straight in the door and he gives you the job of running Venezuela. Follow-up questions, like ‘In what sense?’ were ignored. Now you’ve got to helm a South American country that already has a functioning government and doesn’t like you, and you stopped learning Spanish aged 16. Bollocks. This is going to be a twat of a year.

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