Liking the same band as you, and other things you wrongly interpreted as flirting when a teen

DID you interpret your teenage crush’s every utterance as a chat-up line? These basic human behaviours were not their way of pledging eternal love: 

Liking the same band as you

Back in 1993, you reasoned that anyone who was also into a really obscure band like Nirvana could only be doing it because you were soulmates. Wearing a T-shirt? How obvious can you get? What other measures of compatibility could there possibly be than owning the same CDs? Personality? Looks? Lifestyle?

Catching the same bus as you

Sure, it was the only one that went to that side of town and 22 other kids got it, but it’s hardly coincidence that the object of your silent adoration always got the 3.45pm bus to King’s Heath just like you did. Not that you betrayed any signs that you knew. But they knew you knew. And it meant something.

Taking the same subjects as you

So in year 10 Hot Lucy deciding to take history GCSE instead of geography wasn’t deliberate? Even though she knew you were taking history because you were talking about it once and she was there? Even though she never spoke to you but that was a coded message saying ‘come and get me Jacob, you sexy beast’?

Never talking to you

All subtlety’s been abandoned now. Her ignoring you in lessons, the playground, the corridors are all signs of being literally overwhelmed by lust to the point where she cannot articulate her deep feelings. Why else would she walk past not saying a word when you were right there? Exactly.

Going out with someone else

The only possible explanation for Hot Lucy going out with Darren, when everyone knows he pooed in the sandpit in infants, is that she’s trying to make you jealous. Sure, she married him when they were 23 and they’ve got three kids, but she’s playing the long game. Because she loves you.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your pet cat's guide to giving the perfect gift

WE may come across as aloof pricks, but we care about our owners. That’s why we always knock it out of the park with gifts: 

A shit in a shoe

Humans are odd. They train us to shit in litter trays, only to then go and dig it up again! So, to save my owner Alan the hassle, I cut out the middleman and take a dump in his shoe so he can instantly find my stool when he’s rushing for work.

A live mouse

The look on their faces tells the whole story. And when Alan jumps for joy and shouts ‘f**king hell!’ I know he’s thrilled that I’ve caught him a rodent. Killing prey is the best bit, so I bring them home alive and struggling so Alan has the pleasure of finishing them off with a shovel in the garden himself.

Piss under their bed

I often worry that Alan is deprived of my comforting scent when he’s in his sleeping basket. So I treat him by unleashing a hot torrent of piss right under his bed. That way, I’ve infused the house with my musk and he’ll always be reminded of me, even in dreams.

A dead bird

When Alan visits his ex-wife to try to woo her back, he takes flowers and chocolates. Some gifts are classics for a reason. Dragging home the carcass of a squab, or other small bird, will always go down a treat. Why not hide it in their sock drawer for that added element of surprise?

Sit on them when they sleep

The bond between pet and owner is a special one, defined by tactility. So, to show your affection and appreciation, try resting on their face while they sleep? They may develop aggressive pink-eye from having your anus so close, but if you’ve spent all afternoon licking it they should be fine.