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Male terms of endearment, ranked

MEN cannot express affection towards other men and even choosing between a ‘mate’, a ‘dude’ or even a ‘fella’ is a minefield. Use this ranking to guide you: 

10. Chum

Unless you’re an anthropomorphic duck in a Disney film, do not refer to your male friends as ‘chum’. If used against a stranger, you are starting a fight.

9. Geez

Ideal for cafes serving jellied eels or on the sets of Guy Ritchie films, but travels no further than that. Any attempted use north of Stafford may result in violence.

8. Matey

No spoilers, but ‘mate’ does pretty well on this list. The addition of a single letter, however, does untold damage to its acceptability. Reserved for fictional pirates, parents addressing toddler sons, and a 1970s children’s bubble bath.

7. Boss

The only people entitled to use the term ‘boss’ are kebab shop owners. Being called ‘boss’ is one of this country’s great honours, equivalent to a knighthood. That incredible rush should not be undermined by overuse.

6. Fella

Roughly one in every 50 men uses the word ‘fella’ as a term of endearment. Nobody knows where these men come from or where they got such confidence, but it may be related to their knowing how to fix your boiler.

5. Son

Manages to be both friendly and incredibly condescending at the same time. You have to wait till you’ve reached a certain age, but from then on there’s years of fun to be had. Which is good because you’ll have f**k all else to fill your time by that point.

4. Dude

Should it be this high, given its Californian connotations? Yes, because secretly every man wishes he was wearing a backwards baseball cap, performing gnarly skate tricks, and perpetually stoned. Even a vicar.

3. Bro

The position of ‘bro’ here is a sad indictment of the Americanisation of Britain. Not 30 years ago you’d have been tarred and feathered for using it unironically. Nowadays it’s nothing.

2. Pal

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. In another world, ‘pal’ could have easily topped this list – but sadly it exists during the same period as the undisputed GOAT.

1. Mate

‘Mate’ is truly the great leveller of male terms. Bus driver? Mate. Best friend of 40 years? Mate. Worst enemy? Mate. King Charles III? Mate. For usefulness and versatility it’s unparalleled. If it wasn’t for the word ‘mate’ huge swathes of British men would be unable to talk to one another at all, and be forced to confide in women.

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Labour's pathetic grovelling to Reform voters, reviewed by a Reform voter

TERRIFIED of a Reform wipeout in local elections, Labour is steeling itself to be as racist as it can. But what do actual right-wing voters think? Roy Hobbs gives his verdict: 

Fixing potholes

I despair, like most voters, at why Britain can’t fix a mundane issue like potholes. Starmer has promised to definitely sort it out, so I’m not going to vote for him because all I care about is immigration due to my existing prejudices. That’s your fault, Keir.

Foreign criminal league table

I’m less excited about this than you’d expect, because it leaves out foreigners who haven’t committed any crimes but should also be deported. I don’t understand the league table format, either. Do the bottom criminals get relegated like Leicester? Do the top ones get a trophy and the chance to date Helen Flanagan? If you ask me that’s encouraging them.

Breakfast clubs in schools

We’ve had these since the 80s, I saw the film. And I’m not in favour of this modest and seemingly universally popular proposal, because it means freeloading benefits scum have more money to spend on white cider and iPhones and cider while I pay to stuff their ratboys with Rice Krispies.

Biological women

Starmer says he supports the biological women ruling. I think he’s a liar who wants drag queens prancing around ladies’ toilets waving their big, veiny dongers at terrified women. Because I believe things that make me pleasantly angry and give me a sanctimonious feeling of victimhood. Shouldn’t have crossed intellectual swords with a Reform voter, eh, Sir Keir?

Saving British Steel

I get a warm glow of national pride when I think of Argies being bayoneted with good-quality British steel, but you have to accept we live in an age of globalisation. Also it’s hard to feel too emotional about huge industrial sheets of metal. For example, I don’t give a f**k about British zinc.

Pretending Britain is a Christian nation

I liked Labour MP Mike Tapp’s Easter video claiming we’re a Christian nation. We are, except church is pis-boring and no-one waits until marriage to have sex. He’s using ‘Christian’ in the correct right-wing sense, though: effectively atheist but not Muslim. But I still wouldn’t vote for him though because he’s a smarmy bastard.

Pubs opening late on VE Day

If you suffered unimaginable horrors of war like having limbs shredded by grapeshot at Waterloo, being disfigured in a burning Spitfire or dying on the Burma railway, you’d be comforted by Britons getting a few more beers in before staggering off for a kebab. Labour backs this but without wearing Union Jack socks, so in my view insincerely.

ID cards

Anything identifying the illegals is good by me, but the system will be abused to give ID cards to immigrants who were born here. In my book you’re only properly British if your ancestors were here before 1066. Send the Frankish peoples back, and if that isn’t on the manifesto for the Skirbeck local council election I’m backing Reform.

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