Man annoyed his wanking considered less sexy than his wife's

A MAN has expressed his irritation that his wife’s masturbation is considered erotic, whereas his is not. 

Tom Logan feels society has double standards when an attractive women stroking herself is considered ‘sexy’, yet a man hunched over a computer watching sleazy internet porn with his trousers round his ankles is somehow considered ‘sordid’.

Logan said: “I came home to find my wife touching herself and it was so stimulating that we ended up making love there and then. 

“However, when she came home and found me erotically choking the chicken to an old episode of Carol Vorderman-era Countdown, she called it ‘disgusting’ and threatened divorce.

“She definitely wasn’t interested in a shag, despite my many suggestions since I was in the mood.

“It’s the hypocrisy that gets me. A woman can slip into sexy lingerie, video herself masturbating and men will pay to watch the footage. But when I start sexily fondling myself, I make no money at all. In fact I’m in danger of being banned from the library.

“When a woman masturbates it’s empowering, yet when I tell people how comfortable I am sexually stimulating myself in new, sensual ways they tell me to shut up because they’re eating.

“If you ask me, women’s lib has gone too far.”

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'The slaves were happy to pitch in': The anti-woke guide to history for the National Trust

A GROUP called Restore Trust is trying to stop the National Trust presenting a negative, ie. true, view of Britain’s past. Here’s how they would interpret history.

The slaves were happy to pitch in

Far from being forced into slavery so that British people could make money to spend on fancy country houses, Africans were happy to pitch in and help for nothing. This isn’t an offensive idea, it just shows how kind black people are. Also, Brits were key figures in the abolition movement, so we helped solve a problem we enthusiastically created. Think how much money obscenely rich slave traders lost! (Apart from the compensation.) Heroes, every one.

The simple foreigners loved having our help

A lot of National Trust properties and collections have direct links to the East India Company, which some people say was brutal, destructive and corrupt. But the truth is the simple Indian folk couldn’t manage by themselves and enjoyed having our patrician guidance. They didn’t miss the $45 trillion we looted over the years. They saw it as fair payment for our help, no different to paying a plumber for a job well done. They’ve got trains thanks to us, and we only shot some of them.

The gays never did anything of historical significance

You don’t hear much about the gays achieving anything in the past, do you? And that’s not because they were oppressed, persecuted and airbrushed out of history, it’s because they were too busy being degenerates. So let’s stop trying to include them, okay? Nobody wants Blenheim Palace turning into a sordid ‘cruising’ area for gay men. No one’s suggested that might happen, but it’s worth mentioning.

Winston Churchill was a saint, full stop

The woke mob likes to undermine Winston Churchill’s heroic legacy by claiming his policies significantly contributed to the Bengal famine which killed three million people. However, the National Trust is not a place for nuance or context, thank you very much, so the only interpretation of his life is as an uncomplicated saint who single-handedly won WW2. And anyone who suggests otherwise is a traitor. 

Let’s just look at the nice stuff, yeah?

Why would anyone want to question where the money came from to build a marble hall or botanic garden? We should just enjoy the lovely Britishness and not dig too deep into its origins. Just like we don’t want anyone to know that Restore Trust is funded by a right-wing Tufton Street lobby group. Just forget about it and concentrate on the nice stuff, please.