Man in 11-month relationship believes it's too soon for presents

A MAN who has only been with his girlfriend since January has admitted he thinks it is still too early to exchange Christmas gifts.

Advertising executive Steven Malley believes as he and Joanna Kramer have not even been together for a full year, buying presents for each other would be premature and could ruin their relationship.

He continued: “I don’t want to come across as too eager. We’re still early doors.

“Yes, we’ve met each other’s parents, been on a couple of holidays together and we’re talking about getting a flat, but I don’t think we’re really there with presents.

“Would I mind spaffing a hundred quid on a box of soaps that smell of bergamot, whatever the f**k that’s even meant to be, if we were in a serious place? Of course not. I’d pay it happily, and I’m sure she’d buy me presents of equal or greater value.

“But now? The time’s not right. And none of my previous girlfriends have ever minded not getting gifts, I know because they told me so while they were breaking up with me for unrelated reasons.”

Kramer said: “I don’t want to go over the top, so I’ve just got him a new jacket, a mini-break to Edinburgh and his favourite aftershave.”

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Five reasons to honk your car horn, all of which are that you're a prick

THERE are many important reasons to sound your car horn, even if you’re in a quiet residential area, and all of them are linked to being an arsehole. These are the top five: 

Because you’re a prick and the car ahead is slow

The car immediately ahead of you is driving at the speed limit or, intolerably, up to 2mph slower. This may add seconds to your journey time. You are, therefore, fully justified in beeping your horn but only after checking in the mirror and seeing a total wanker staring back at you.

Because you’re a prick in traffic

A queue of cars stretches off into the distance. The road ahead on your in-built satnav in your company knobhead Audi is all red. Everyone around you is, clearly and indisputably, stuck in the same traffic and powerless to progress or change their situation. This is an ideal opportunity to lean on the horn and demonstrate what a twat you are.

Because you’re a prick in an unforeseen sitation

Ahead of you on a narrow street, a car has unexpectedly slowed to a halt with its hazard lights on. The driver has looked under the bonnet and now, with the help of passers-by, is pushing the car forward and out of the roadway. As a bellend, you must consider this to be a wilful and deliberate obstruction. Honk away.

Because you’re a prick to pedestrians

The horn isn’t just a signal to other motorist. If a pedestrian is on a zebra crossing – a section of highway you have paid road tax for and they haven’t, and which you stop at only as a courtesy – then a good few beeps will remind them of their lowly status, speed their crossing and leaving them in no doubt as to your status as a complete tool.

Because you’re a prick at night

It’s 2am, your street is quiet and all your neighbours are asleep, but you’ve still got a car horn and you’re still a prick. Beep beep!