Man sorts out one thing

A MAN has sorted out one thing and now wants an award for it.

Nathan Muir, 38, said: “I did the thing. My wife asked me to do the thing and I did it.”

Wife Sophie, 37, said: “I defined what the thing was in the first place, sent him all the information, did three-quarters of it in advance, and reminded him that it needed doing. Seven months ago.

She added: “I have sorted out every single other f*cking thing, for the last 11 years.”

Nathan said: “We both contribute a great deal to this household. For example, I just did a thing.”

Since doing the thing, Nathan has had a two-hour nap, adjusted the composition of his fantasy football team, and phoned his mother to tell her that he did the thing.

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Cats confirm they're no closer to understanding what 'that's mine' means

CATS have confirmed they are no closer to understanding what the phrase, ‘no, that’s mine’ actually means.

Cat, Emma Bradford said: “As these things are usually said to us in relation to some food we are trying to eat, we think it means, ‘you can eat this if you want to’.

“It also means ‘of course you take it and run into the garden with it’.

“So that’s cool.”

Bradford added:“It definitely doesn’t mean that we’re not allowed the food because that would mean that something didn’t belong to us which is just bat shit crazy.”

Other sentences cats are unsure of include, ‘you know you can’t go out at night’, ‘no, you’ve already been fed,’ and ‘leave the dog’s tail alone’.

Bradford added: “We think the last one means, ‘the dog’s a twat, annoy the shit out of him’.”