Mens' level of planning for dates directly proportionate to length of dry spell

THE effort and thoughtfulness a man puts into a date is directly proportionate to how long it is since he he last had sex, researchers have discovered. 

A man who had sex within a week’s preparations are limited to giving the T-shirt he has picked up off the floor a quick sniff, while a man who has been without for a year will arrive in a freshly dry-cleaned suit with two dozen red roses and a hand-penned poem.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “After just a month, the males are observed ironing shirts. After three months they pluck eyebrows and nasal hair.

“A six-month period without sexual activity will see them engaging in economic activity like haircuts, new clothing and thoughtful gifts, and after a year off the nest they are grooming fastidiously and may even listen to what their date is saying with interest and care.”

Nathan Muir, aged 34, last had sex when Boris Johnson was in office. He said: “Did you know you can buy rose petals online?

“So, just on impulse, I thought why not and I’ve scattered them around the bedroom and left a trail up the stairs. The champagne and the glasses are chilling and my Mercedes and driver pick her up at 7pm on the dot. Please let this work.”

Date Eleanor Shaw said: “I’ve shaved, depilated, moisturised, had my eyebrows threaded and my bumhole bleached. It’s been 18 months. I am officially desperate.”

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Five benefits of being stupid, by Liz Truss

THEY make turning the UK into ‘Argentina on the Channel’ sound like a bad thing when it was brilliant. Liz Truss explains why living a life of blithe ignorance is unbeatable: 

You don’t feel shame

Clever people tend to focus on the consequences of their decisions, even occasionally concluding those decisions were wrong. That paralyses them with self-doubt. I skip that step, replacing it with wilful blindness, and confidently bound back into the public eye with bold new ideas like selling Birmingham to the UAE to build a new Dubai in the Midlands.

Nobody expects anything from you

Even average IQs are burdened with expectations, whereas morons like myself effortlessly coast through life. After my time as prime minister, thrilling in its brevity, nobody’s dumping tricky responsibilities into my in-tray. I get to do what I love: chasing laser pointers as they dart across the floor and trying to figure out how mirrors work.

You can say whatever you want

Once it’s firmly established that you ain’t got the smarts, you have a free pass to bark every cretinous thoughts in your head. It would be disturbingly off-brand if you said anything intelligent. For the sake of others’ wellbeing stick to what you know best, which is absolutely nothing. Except that you were right all along.

You still get invited to fancy events

Stupidity isn’t a barrier to entry when it comes to state events, held as they are for the Royal family. I’ll be shamelessly arriving at every major occasion in public life for decades to come, a selection of fascinators drawing attention to my bobble head. Even an imbecile like myself can be in the right place at the right time. There’s a life lesson in there somewhere, but I’m too dumb to figure it out.

You’ll always be happy

Give me an empty room with a bare bulb and I’ll sit there for hours, staring at a white wall, revelling in the trackless wastes inside my own head. To me it’s the world that’s stupid for failing to conform to how right I always am about everything. It’s perfectly simple until other people get involved. I’m still as great as I always was. And good at mental arithmetic.