THE effort and thoughtfulness a man puts into a date is directly proportionate to how long it is since he he last had sex, researchers have discovered.
A man who had sex within a week’s preparations are limited to giving the T-shirt he has picked up off the floor a quick sniff, while a man who has been without for a year will arrive in a freshly dry-cleaned suit with two dozen red roses and a hand-penned poem.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “After just a month, the males are observed ironing shirts. After three months they pluck eyebrows and nasal hair.
“A six-month period without sexual activity will see them engaging in economic activity like haircuts, new clothing and thoughtful gifts, and after a year off the nest they are grooming fastidiously and may even listen to what their date is saying with interest and care.”
Nathan Muir, aged 34, last had sex when Boris Johnson was in office. He said: “Did you know you can buy rose petals online?
“So, just on impulse, I thought why not and I’ve scattered them around the bedroom and left a trail up the stairs. The champagne and the glasses are chilling and my Mercedes and driver pick her up at 7pm on the dot. Please let this work.”
Date Eleanor Shaw said: “I’ve shaved, depilated, moisturised, had my eyebrows threaded and my bumhole bleached. It’s been 18 months. I am officially desperate.”