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Third little pig regrets building house with aerated concrete

THE third little pig has been left homeless after his house, built with RAAC concrete instead of bricks, was destroyed in a single blow. 

The pig, one of three neighbours, was advised by architects that aerated concrete would last a good 30 years and chose to use the low-cost material instead of bricks to save on local authority budgets.

Pig Tom Booker said: “The PFI contract said that concrete full of holes would never let me down. It promised the holes made it extra strong, and it wouldn’t be like the asbestos panels and polyethylene cladding.

“I was sitting pretty, or so I thought. Until I heard an ominous crack and the roof collapsed and I’m picking bits of chimney out of my crotch.”

Neighbour Norman Steele, also a pig, said: “I was offered aerated concrete but went with straw. If it’s good enough for Grand Designs, it’s good enough for me.

“Next door went with sticks, a very underrated construction material, and it’s still standing. Meanwhile the aerated concrete house is closed pending safety checks and the poor occupant’s in temporary accommodation.”

Mr BB Wolf said: “Christ, all I was doing was stress testing it.”

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Six celebrities whose sex lives will be deeply problematic in the near future

RIGHT now they have the public and media’s blessing, but in between a few months and a few years we’ll be horrified at what we condoned: 

Harry Styles, by 2027

A double-edged sword because not only is the current Harry deserving of censure – he slept with four different models from one Victoria’s Secret show, making out the event is in some way sexual – the older women who objectified him when he was a teenager are essentially nonces. Nobody’s getting out of this one unscathed.

Taylor Swift, by 2029

When #HeToo arrives, turning scrutiny to the evils of the female gaze, overdue retribution for the woman who doxxed every boyfriend she ever had by writing multiple songs about them will finally arrive. She monetised their love and ran off with the profits. And we applauded her for it? Appalling.

Leonardo DiCaprio, by 2025

Leo’s predeliction for the under-25s is well-known, but what’s worse is he seems to have narrowed his focus. He now only dates 25-year-olds, getting off on the thrill of knowing that any month now the woman he’s balls-deep in will become a hideous hag. The future will deplore him for his games of erotic chicken.

Britney Spears, by 2028

Fans who only wanted to support Britney are constantly harrassed by her semi-nude dances on Instagram. They’re afraid to pick up their phones in case she’s once again twirling coquettishly in her kitchen, boobs covered only by her hands. Eventually they recognise this for what it is: harrassment and not okay.

Every winning couple on Love Island, by 2031

So there used to be this show, right, in the 20s when everyone was f**king horrible, where they forced people to couple up? Like breeding pandas? They actually made them have sex and pretend to be in love, and only the ones they deemed to be the most convincing won money? And those sick f**ks used to watch this for entertainment?

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini, by late 2023

Wait, she was his mentor on a TV talent show when he was 14? He stayed in her judge’s house and she groomed him for stardom? Then she came back eight years later, when he was legal and a millionaire, and began a sexual relationship with him? Then had his child? Then dumped him? Jesus Christ, how did we allow One Direction to happen?

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