'We have demonetised his YouTube. Mission accomplished,' say Zelensky, Big Pharma and the New World Order

THE enemies of Russell Brand have met in tunnels below Denver airport to celebrate the demonetisation of his YouTube channel.  

The Ukranian prime minister, the creators of the Covid lockdown and representatives of the shadowy organisation which controls humanity chuckled as events unfolded exactly as they planned them.

Drug company CEO Norman Steele said: “Brand is, of course, completely innocent. But his hard-hitting, painstakingly-researched videos were getting too close to the truth.

“As a conspiracy theorist with an internet audience in the thousands, Brand had become too powerful. Our $1.4 trillion industry was on the verge of collapse. When he spotted the telltale signs that the Hawaii wildfires were caused by a space laser, we had to act. ”

A representative of the NWO said: “Brand is finished. We made sure of it by arranging allegations we can’t guarantee will be proven in a court of law. Nobody can come back from that.

“If only he’d been vaccinated we could have used the 5G network to activate the nanomachines in his bloodstream and take over his brainstem. But he was too smart for us.”

Ukrainian president Vladimir Zelensky added: “Brand uncovered the truth; the war is a scam to fleece the US of billions because there’s no new Paddington film to dub. He had to be silenced. Nothing personal, Russ.”

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Man's satisfaction at finally sending email ruined by near-instant reply

A MAN’S joy at finally replying to and dismissing an email from a co-worker was ruined in moments when he received a reply. 

It was already a Monday morning when compliance manager Wayne Hayes found himself facing five emails which demanded responses.  Yet his strenuous ordeal to reply to the first was met with the unexpected violence of an immediate follow-up question.

He said: “Since when did getting paid a monthly salary mean I was Martin from payroll’s bitch? What gives him the right?

“It was barely 10.37am but nevertheless, I took his email right by the reins – a request for my expenses that I’d been putting off for a fortnight – and I blasted through it. Three, maybe even four sentences poured out of me, and I remembered the attachments and everything.

“So you can understand how I felt when a reply pings in less than a minute later. What kind of person replies to emails as soon as he sees them? Does he have nothing better to do?

“And what a reply it was. ‘Was I aware of the new expenses policy’ and ‘could I set up a profile on the new portal’. Not only a follow-up question but a demand to remember a new password. I’m just one man, trying to make it in the world, needing a dump break.

“I don’t believe in revenge, but I do believe in being petty. I’ll reply at 5pm on Friday then instantly log off. Maybe he’ll think twice in the future before being so aggressive.”