At the bus stop, at work, and other places women aren't interested in being chatted up

WOULD you like to express your sexual interest in a woman? Try these six locations where she definitely will not want to hear about it: 

At the bus stop

It’s early morning, she’s got her headphones on, happily minding her own business listening to a podcast about serial killers, and you tap her on the shoulder. She stops the podcast, removes her headphones and receives the information that, all things considered, you’d love to bone her. She is not especially receptive to this. The bus arrives.

While working retail

This time it’s a gorgeous shop assistant, and the seductive way she follows her script means you really think you have a connection. Avoid the manager appearing behind you by understanding she’s only feigning fascination because ‘flawless customer service to creepy pricks’ is her job description. Take your receipt and move on.

In a hospital waiting room

Even if you’re in for a routine check-up and not a groin rash, no woman is ready for flirtation while she’s waiting for a doctor’s appointment. She’s going to be poked and asked intrusive questions by a stranger only interested in her body shortly anyway, and at least that stranger has a medical degree so is a decent prospect.

At the supermarket

In that movie, two strangers’ hands met over the last avocado and they fell in love. Today, in Lidl, the woman seems pissed off that you’ve taken the last avocado. Nor does she seem open to letting you inspect the contents of her trolley to assess them for sexiness. What is she here for, to buy shopping?

At a funeral

You’re a family friend, she’s a great-niece, in the midst of death you’ve got the horn, so surely perhaps you could turn this moment of solemn grief into a joyously carnal occasion? ‘You look really fit in black,’ you purr. ‘I can’t believe he’s gone,’ she replies, totally killing the mood.

At her own wedding

Speaking of big life events, the bride’s flattered response to your compliments at her wedding reception on her wedding day can be misconstrued. She’s pleased she looks lovely, but she’s not open to a shag round the back of the kitchens. You admit to yourself you might have missed the boat on this one.

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Failing American candy shop wishes it was money-laundering front

THE proprietor of a struggling American candy business only wishes money-laundering criminal syndicates were interested in his business. 

Julian Cook, who runs Candys R USA on London’s Oxford Street, invested his life savings into the shop and has sold only £32 of super sour sweets all day.

He said: “Mafia, Yakuza, Albanian people-traffickers: if you’re at all interested I could really use the injection of your shady funds.

“I’ve put everything I have into this shop. I thought, who doesn’t travel into central London to spend £25 on six Birthday Cake Kit-Kats?

“London’s full of American tourists who’d love nothing more than washing down a handful of Warheads with the comforting taste of A&W Root Beer, I firmly believed. And this place is just how I imagined it: harsh strip lighting, tinny commercial dance music and Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs at a 400 per cent markup.

“But sales are slow, and as for money-laundering, I haven’t been contacted by a single cartel. It’s disgraceful. How am I meant to pay the rent on a London shop if not with the proceeds of organised crime?

“Please, if you’re in the firm, give me a call. I’ll hide heroin in the Tootsie Rolls. You can cache your weapons behind the Hershey’s Cookies ‘N’ Crème. I don’t mind as long as you buy a few Milk Duds while you’re at it.”