Shagger of the Year 2006-2008 retrospectively awarded to Boris Johnson

THE Sun has withdrawn Russell Brand’s Shagger of the Year awards and given them to a less problematic candidate.

In light of Channel 4’s Dispatches report, The Sun has stripped Russell Brand of his titles and handed them to a man who was just as promiscuous but did it all sensibly and caringly with no abuses of power.

A Sun spokesman said: “The Shagger of the Year awards are a hallowed UK institution, like the NHS. We couldn’t watch this revered celebration of virility become desecrated by association. So, as usual, it falls to The Sun to do the right thing.

“We’ve spent decades respecting women. As soon as we became aware that Brand was a sexual predator, we could not stand by and let our good name be tarnished.

“Deciding who the awards should go to instead was no mean feat. The mid-00s are what experts call a ‘veritable f**kpile’. Everyone from Harry Styles to George Osborne was hard at it, but after reviewing the hopefuls there could only ever be one winner.

“At the time, Boris Johnson was juggling getting his end away with running a successful mayoral election race, so there are no questions of impropriety. Back then we chose the wrong man with ridiculous hair who spouts convoluted archaic nonsense. We’re sorry.”

Johnson said: “I worked really hard for these. I deserve them.”

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Russell Brand was a heroin addict, discovers crack investigative team on page 145 of My Booky-Wook

THE investigative team that exposed Russell Brand as a sexual abuser have discovered he was also a heroin addict, after continuing to read his autobiography. 

The team, comprised of reporters from the Times, the Sunday Times and Channel 4’s Dispatches, are to expose the former comedian as a habitual user of opiates in a revelation expected to shock Britain to the core.

Journalist Thom Logan said: “An addict of Class A substances, walking the halls at the BBC and Channel 4? The public will never believe this.

“We’ve also got reason to believe he took his heroin dealer to MTV and introduced her to Kylie. And, this is incredible, got fired after turning up dressed as Osama Bin Laden after 9/11.

“I can’t possibly reveal my sources but they’re authoritative. You don’t get closer to Brand than the information in my hands. This is f**king dynamite.

“TV might be too small for the shocking twists and turns of this investigation. We might have to collect everything we’ve found into a book. Trust me, it’d sell millions.”