BRITAIN’S white middle-class teenagers attending excellent schools have slipped effortlessly into speaking like Jamaican roadmen again.
The offspring of the privileged, all of whom are forecast to achieve top grades, have re-established their roadman identities after long summers of enunciating correctly.
Year nine pupil Joshua Hudson, known on the streets as Active J, said: “Man’s gassed to be back. Summer was bare dead being dragged around forests, learning shit.
“Mandem crew gonna be bustin’ da drive-thru at lunchtime. Not had Maccy Ds for time, bruv. Been scrannin’ nuffink but falafel and hummus at garden parties wiv the parents’ golf gimps.”
Charlotte Phelps, who the crew knows as Charley the X, agreed: “Gyal had to go glampin’ in da Hindonesian jungle. Me and my fam, in a big tent, had to listen to them two parents do sex for two whole weeks. Was rrrrank, bruv!”
And Max 01, whose parents call him Oliver O’Connor, said: “Wha’gwaan cuz? Not peng being back in dis uniform clone drip ting! Had nitty harcheological dig trip, brushing pottery and shit, heducational. Trashed my Air Force, blud. Man so vexed.
“Nang be back flexin’ wiv my mandem tho, innit. Them wasteman parents and their fake-arse life-shit ting been controlling man all summer, but now man’s bustin’ swag! Latin next period still. Aight?”
