'We had unprotected sex, pay us for it,' say couple holding baby shower

A COUPLE are demanding money and presents just because they got laid, it has emerged.

James and Eleanor Shaw, who are expecting a baby in three months, are sharing the joy of their new arrival by demanding financial compensation from unsuspecting friends.

Eleanor said: “We quickly realised having a baby is f**king expensive. There’s so much shit you have to buy – nappies, clothes, those fancy Montessori toys I’ve seen on Etsy. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and we thought, why shouldn’t it take a village to pay for one too?”

James added: “The great thing about baby showers is they literally mean ‘shower us with stuff’. Normally, it’d be really awkward asking people for money or goods, especially when we don’t know them that well.

“But by inviting them to our house for a wholesome gathering, they have no excuse. If they don’t bring an envelope of cash or a gift, they’re guaranteed to look like heartless bastards who hate our unborn child.”

Friend Lucy Parry said: “I hate baby showers. Why do I have to schlep to their house for a soppy party, just because they didn’t use a condom?

“They can have a multipack of wet wipes and a supermarket teddy, and then I’ll be sneaking out to get pissed in the garden.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Being yourself only great if you're not an arsehole

EXPERTS have warned that ‘being yourself’, as celebrities and self-help gurus urge everyone to be, is only a positive if you are not a total arsehole.

In the face of an avalanche of movies, pop songs, books and Instagram posts advising you to be yourself, psychologists believe the disclaimer ‘unless you’re a twat’ should be appended.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Some people absolutely shouldn’t be themselves. Julia Hartley-Brewer, for example.

“Deluging absolute bellends like that with affirming platitudes about being themselves is giving them licence to behave in whatever dickheaded way they like. Society will be ruined.

“We’ve all got a friend, a colleague, or a brother-in-law who absolutely should not be themselves. In every conversation you urge them not to be themselves. Hiding who they really are is pretty much their only option.

“What we should be saying is ‘be yourself, but only after a long, hard look in the mirror to ensure your true self isn’t an irredeemable wanker. In which case be like someone else who isn’t’.”

Oliver O’Connor of Braintree said: “‘Be yourself’, you say? So talk over everyone else about cryptocurrency, my weightlifting routine and my Porsche Taycan? Excellent.”