Adults close to their siblings are faking it, say experts

ADULT siblings who claim to like each other are lying about it, new research has shown. 

Despite 18 years in the same household, experts have found that most siblings share absolutely no common ground in terms of life outlook, priorities or intelligence levels.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “After a nurturing upbringing in exactly the same environment, most siblings emerge loathing each other and with nothing in common apart from memories of the same TV shows.

“In fact they will share deeply different recollections of exactly the same childhood, with one constantly dredging up some terribly hurtful incident that the other does not even remember. Adults who claim they get on with their brothers or sisters are faking it because it is too much hassle to admit they cannot believe they are related to this utter moron.

“Beyond being forced to smile and exchange generic, thoughtless gifts at family occasions, the vast majority of siblings would like never to see each other again. Why? Well, it could be genetically ingrained in human infants to always compete for parental affection and limited resources such as food and shelter.

“Or it could be that your sibling is just a f**king dickhead.”

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How to wake your girlfriend up when you come home smashed at 2am

BEEN out for a few bevvies? You have a number of options for disturbing your partner’s sleep when you finally stumble home.

Walk into things

You can set about the task of accidentally waking up your girlfriend the moment you stagger in through the front door. Try bumping into the little table where you put your keys, ideally knocking over a fragile vase. Alternatively, stub your toe on a door frame and then hop around screaming ‘F**k! F**k! F**k!’, followed by excessively loud shushing noises.

Make a snack

If you make it to the kitchen without disturbing your partner, don’t worry. There are lots of opportunities to create noise while making a tasty snack. Clatter pots and pans, spill the entire contents of the cutlery drawer and set off the smoke alarm. You can then tuck in, proud of yourself for having successfully made a piece of jam on toast.

Watch telly

Now that you’ve destroyed the kitchen you’re probably in the mood to watch some crap television with the volume on full blast. Pop Takeshi’s Castle on and let your hysterical laughter echo around the room until one of the eight pints you sank threatens to resurface. When you’re on the verge of spewing, it’s time to head to the bathroom.

Puke your guts out

The noise of retching and splattering vomit is likely to pull anyone away from the sweet embrace of sleep. For hygiene reasons, make sure you flush the toilet after every single heave. Don’t worry about the fact that only a fifth of your puke actually made it into the pan, that’s a problem for the you of tomorrow to sort out. Or your girlfriend. Depends who gets up first.

Turn the bedroom light on

When entering the bedroom, it’s important to forget that it’s the middle of the night and your girlfriend is in a deep sleep. Turn the light on, notice her, apologise, ask if she’s asleep, wait for an answer, apologise, mumble something about how Nathan made you go on to the Pitcher and Piano because they have a late licence and it’s his birthday next month, and then turn the light off. Repeat several times.

Attempt to initiate sex

Okay, time to play your trump card. Don’t go in all guns blazing, do something artfully seductive. Perhaps you could squeeze her boobs. Or maybe just shout ‘Fancy a bit?’ into her ear. If you’re unlucky, she’ll actually let you try to have sex with her, at which point you’ll realise that you’re completely incapable of performing, and she’ll end up disappointed as well as annoyed. Still, you woke her up, so it’s a job well done.