The six men on your middle-aged lads' night out

HAVING a night out with your middle-aged mates? Expect these arseholes to turn it into a complete f**king nightmare.

The one on the pull

You’re all the wrong side of 40 with partners and kids, but that won’t stop this guy from thinking he’s 20-something again and a magnet for women. Cringe as he uses terrible chat-up lines that fail just like they did two decades ago, before he tries it on with a right hard bastard’s girlfriend and gets you all threatened with a kicking.

The one who’s already pissed

You met at 7pm, but Tom has clearly been on the lash all afternoon in preparation. He’ll be trying to hug you like you’re reunited brothers separated at birth, which is just as well because the minute you let go of him he’ll fall on his arse. The only blessing is he’ll pass out by 8pm and you can put him in a taxi home.

The driver

And boy, isn’t he f**king banging on about it? He’s begrudgingly agreed to be the designated driver and he’ll milk his saintly, selfless generosity like he’s the Dalai f**king Lama. ‘Just a coke for me, I’m on taxi duty’ he’ll loudly proclaim every time someone’s getting a round in. After a couple of hours you’ll be vowing to get Ubers next time.

The ageing clubber

You’ve not been to a nightclub since 2004, and are now at the age where the thought of all that deafening music and pilled-up youths is about as appealing as gouging your own eyes out with a rusty melon baller. Except this arsehole, who thinks he has discovered the elixir of eternal youth at the bottom of his seventh pint of Peroni. He’s so determined he’ll end up going on his own, only for the door staff to refuse him entry because he looks like everyone else’s dad.

The work obsessive

You’ve met up for a few beers and a heated debate about football, not to listen to him explaining in painstakingly detail exactly how he sealed his firm’s big new contract. That won’t stop him. You’ve zoned out halfway through your first pint, and still he prattles on. By the end of the night you’re feeling like you’ve sat through a four-hour f**king marketing seminar.

Boring old you

It seemed a brilliant idea to have a catch-up night on the piss, but now you’re here it feels like purgatory. The prices have gone through the roof, the bar staff look like they’re still at school, and by 10pm all you want to do is get home and put your feet up in front of Match of the Day. Elaborately lie your way out by saying you have to get back for the babysitter. Hopefully they’ll all be too shitfaced to remember your kids are both in their teens, and you can slope off feeling deeply relieved.

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Letting agents demand proof of your salary to check they're getting all of it

LETTING agents have requested your last three years’ payslips to ensure they are getting every penny you earn for your poxy one-bedroom flat.

Property managers say it is in your interest to surrender your entire salary because, once rinsed to the absolute maximum, your spirit will be crushed and you will be happy to accept any flat in any location next time you move, even those shit ones with no parking next to the railway line.

Letting company director Tom Booker said: “The current system is broken. Tenants have to save up or find a guarantor for deposits and rent just to secure a smelly one-bed flat, which is complicated and stressful.

“Sometimes they send in CVs or write begging letters to landlords explaining why they would be the perfect tenant. We just read them, laugh and pin them to the ‘loser board’ in our coffee room.

“We propose simplifying things by having them transfer their whole salary to us on the day it is paid. We’ll show them places that are entirely different to what they requested, until they give in and sign a two-year rental agreement on a total shithole. Much easier for everyone.”

He added: “Obviously we’ll give them back some spending money, subject to a monthly admin fee of £40.”