Teenager to spend full weekend policing celebrity behaviour

A TEENAGER has decided she has no choice but to spend the next 48 hours policing the microscopic behavioural lapses of celebrities to stop them getting away with it.

Lauren Hewitt, aged 15, has put aside minor concerns like homework and family meals to spend Saturday and Sunday on her phone, battling the injustices committed by the famous.

She said: “What am I supposed to do when nepo baby Lourdes Leon gets a totally undeserved front row seat at the Luar runway show? Ignore it?

“Oh, and I guess next I could stand by and let Timothée Chalamet date Kylie Jenner without even registering my principled opposition. If I had no moral compass whatsoever, that is.

“Well, I’m sorry but I’m not the kind of person who can let Ashton Kutcher’s comments about an underaged Hilary Duff 21 years ago slide. That bastard needs to be brought to book and I’ve got the TikTok account that’s going to do it.

“We’re not like previous generations. We don’t stand by idly while those in power abuse it. Which is why I’m spending six hours making memes roasting Doja Cat for disrespecting her Kittenz, the f**king bitch.”

She added: “I’ve told my mum if Taylor Swift’s seen with Matty Healy again I’ll need to quit school to fight their relationship full-time. I think she understands.”

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Couple heartbroken that dog enjoyed kennels

A COUPLE are devastated that their beloved dog had a great time during his kennel stay and cannot wait to go back.

Emma and Stephen Malley’s five-year-old dachshund Archie spent five days at a dog hotel which was, relatively speaking, more expensive than their own holiday in France.

‘Dog mum’ Emma said: “I was really hoping he’d pine for me. But oh no, he was living it up with his new dog friends. 

“I didn’t want him to be miserable. I definitely didn’t want him to end up malnourished because he was so depressed he couldn’t eat. But having to drag him out of there? What a kick in the teeth.”

Archie said: “I had a f**king whale of a time. My own room, late-night howls with the lads, all the food I could want. And the place was full of bitches. That’s not sexist for dogs, by the way.

“It was a welcome break from all the bitching and moaning at home. You know the sort of thing, ‘Did you piss by the fridge?’, ‘Don’t eat that turd’. I felt I deserved it and frankly I need another ASAP.

“I made some great friends, especially that King Charles spaniel Luna. I should send her a text. But, you know, paws.”