Event Horizon, £65,000: Value your old VHS tapes with our over-optimistic guide

A VHS tape of Back to the Future has just sold for £8,000, which means all your unplayable old videos are worth a fortune too. Read our list while you tell you boss to stick his job up his arse.

Red Dawn. In 1984 it was considered ridiculous that high schoolers could take on the Russian army. How wrong were we. Estimated value: £19,000

The Godfather Part III. You could have had the first two good ones in your collection but instead you’ve got this. You’ve done the same thing with Highlander 2: The Quickening. Why? Estimated value: £33,000 each

Teen Wolf. After Back to the Future you assumed all Michael J Fox’s films would be amazing. Ha ha ha, that’ll learn you. Estimated value: £22,500

Shanghai Surprise. Before Madonna was making shit films with Guy Ritchie she was making them with Sean Penn. Oh Madge, you old slapper. Estimated value: £30,000 

The Terminator. The start of the franchise, without an impossibly convoluted timeline, unconvincing CGI action sequences, or Jai Courtney. Rubbish. Estimated value: £11,000

Coming to America. Forgettable comedy from when Eddie Murphy could do no wrong. He soon corrected that misconception by being arrested with a transsexual prostitute and making Norbit. Estimated value: £37,500 

Brookside: The Lost Weekend. Guns-and-gangsters video spin-off. Now as meaningless as ancient Mayan pictograms to anyone under the age of 45. Estimated value: £40,000

Ghosts of Mars. Long-forgotten sci-fi runaround on Mars featuring trains, Jason Statham and Ice Cube as a special treat. Every scene is red. And boring. Estimated value: £54,000

Citizen Kane. You still haven’t watched it. It’s about a sledge, so probably a bit like Cool Runnings. Estimated value: £28,000

Event Horizon. Ludicrously star-studded, inconclusive tale of a spaceship that goes to Hell. Might be hard to part with if you’ve been in love with Joely Richardson ever since. Estimated value: £65,000

Caddyshack. A film or a paid golfing holiday for Chevy Chase and his coked-up chums? Perhaps we will never know. Estimated value: £28,000

15 minutes of Doctor Who: Earthshock and 20 minutes of A Question of Sport. The result of setting the video recorder wrongly in 1982. Estimated value: £44,500

Total Recall. Space, guns, tits, gadgets, jokes. Basically the greatest film ever made and indeed the zenith of human civilisation. Estimated value: £19,000

Basic Instinct. You’re not sad enough to pause it at ‘that bit’, but old VHS tapes are so grainy Sharon may as well be wearing dungarees anyway. Estimated value: £37,000

La Dolce Vita. You must get past the 15-minute mark at some point. You only bought it so you could pretentiously drop Fellini into conversation, so you’ll finish watching it if it ever results in you pulling. Sound fair to you, Federico? Estimated value: £28,000

The Vicar of Dibley, The Complete Second Series. Gift from your nan. Incredibly popular but monstrously unfunny sitcom that proves the population of UK has soggy newspaper for brains. Estimated value: £47,000

I Spit on Your Grave. 80s video nasty that’s unpleasant, unwatchable and why the f**k do you even own a copy? Estimated value: £29,000

Waterworld. Set in the post-apocalyptic yeah whatever, Mad Max with gills did not turn out to be a winning formula. Estimated value: £22,500

Performance. You supposedly bought it because it’s Nicolas Roeg, but really because you felt you should have a video collection and it was only £1 in HMV. The past is a different country. Estimated value: £17,000

Gardeners’ World Guide to Fuchsias. Why on earth did you buy this? Must be one of your mum’s. Estimated value: £248,000

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Schoolchildren taken to urban farm to see where their skunk is grown

A GROUP of schoolchildren have been to a growhouse on a Walsall housing estate to see where the weed they smoke is made.

Teachers at the school decided the teenagers should learn about the fascinating cottage industry of using advanced hydroponics set-ups to grow hundreds of thousands of pounds of skunk.

15-year-old Hannah Tomlinson, said: “We were greeted by a man who referred to himself only as ‘Cobra’ and once he’d put his machete away he was one of the nicest people I’ve ever met wearing a balaclava.

“Being from the Midlands, we normally visit boring steam engine museums from the Industrial Revolution. So to meet someone actually doing something important was so cool! And I picked up an amazing grinder from the gift shop at the end of the tour.”

Teacher Eleanor Shaw said: “We can only afford a certain number of field trips every term, so we may as well take them somewhere they’ll actually pay attention. 

“I think we all enjoyed Cobra’s account of going round to a rival supplier’s house and ‘f**king him up bad’. Such vibrant oral history.”

However 16-year-old James Bates, captain of the school’s chess club, said: “I found it very informative, until the bit where Liam Jones made me eat a whole skunk plant and now my brain is broken forever.”