Indigenous Britons deported and their homes turned into Albanian brothels: Starmer's immigration plan, via Suella Braverman

KEIR Starmer has dared put forward an immigration plan even worse than ‘All borders open, bring your murderers’. Home secretary Suella Braverman explains what he’ll do to you.


Starmer’s deal with the EU means that for every immigrant that comes here, three Britons are deported. Your grandmother will be sent to Hungary, your husband to Sweden and your three-year-old daughter to the Netherlands. You will be forbidden from ever making contact with them again. It’s so cruel it’s unbelievable.

They get your house

Those family members unlucky enough to remain will have their homes turned into asylum accommodation to save money on hotels. You will cook and clean for an Albanian gang selling sex and ketamine from your four-bedroom detached home.

You’ll have to process their applications

In addition to your job, which is your only respite from a hell of chopped-out lines on your oak John Lewis dining table and washing sex-stained sheets, you will be required to process 120 asylum applications per day or be sent to an internment camp. All applications must be passed and given a 1,000-word glowing reference.

They prosecute you for human trafficking

In a sickening reversal of the natural order, gangs operating small boat crossings will be given legal aid to prosecute you for human trafficking because you wheeled your grandfather to a river so you could weep without being mocked by Serbians throwing machetes at your framed family portrait. If guilty, you will be sent down for a million years.

You will be ridden like a pony

If a Polish man with a lengthy criminal record wishes to come to this country, why should he walk? Why, when a bit could be forced between your teeth and he could ride you around town like a human pony? You’ll meet eyes with another woman, also on her knees, who you knew from the school run in the happy times when the Tories were in power. Then you’ll have to ‘gallop’ three miles home. 

They’ll sneer at your Brexit

They do not even respect Brexit. They will taunt it. They will shit on it. Keir comes round for late-night drug sessions, after he has used the brothel and paid in Euros, and joins in. As your life ebbs away while they watch pornography on your 70” television that cost you £2,000, you remember that you were warned. By me.

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Racists stay here rather than f**king off to Spain: The ongoing costs of Brexit

WITH each passing week, Brits are waking up to the folly of leaving the EU. Here are some of the problems no one expected, especially daft Brexiters, of course.

Bananas are now way too bendy

One of the reasons we were exhorted to leave the EU is because Brussels was insisting on categorising bananas at the request of banana sellers and supermarkets. And no word of bullshit there. Now that we are out, bananas have gone all out of whack, some looking like bent penises requiring surgery while others are completely pretzel-shaped and impossible to peel. However the colour remains slightly green one day and black the next, as is traditional.

A Europe-wide rise in ‘thick English’ jokes

The English used to chortle away merrily at the imbecility of foreigners like the Irish and dimwit Spaniards such as Fawlty Towers’ Manuel. Today it is the English who are the butt of those jokes. In the Republic of Ireland it is common to joke about the Englishman who was so stupid he chose to vote to leave the world’s largest single market only for his business to go bust. It’s the way they tell them.

A rise in buskers now that musicians’ livelihoods have collapsed

Bands and artists who used to travel abroad frequently to play can no longer do so owing to huge bureaucratic costs. They now have to eke a living playing Wonderwall over and over outside railway stations. The result? Vastly reduced quality of life for millions of Britons.

Racists stay here rather than f**king off to Spain

Time was when people who loathed immigration to the UK took the principled stance of moving to Spain where they could fail to assimilate, drink cheap booze and not bother to learn any Spanish. Since they voted Leave, not realising they would have to leave their Spanish homes themselves, they’re back here, spouting contradictory garbage about how Britain is simultaneously the best country in the world and how it’s irrevocably gone to the dogs thanks to foreigners, avocados and the Notting Hill Carnival.

The rest of us can’t f**k off to Spain

Oh, we’d love to. But the elderly gammon idiot Brexiters made their bed and we have to lie in it with them. The bed smells weird and it’s full of digestive crumbs, metaphorically speaking.