IT’S best not to have sex until you’ve graduated, got a job and bought a house, explains mum Helen Archer, who only has daughter Emily’s best interests in mind, obviously.
Nature tells us we should be getting down to it while we’re young – and that’s an urge we must fight tooth and nail. Most, if not all, sexual intercourse between teenagers ends in a surprise baby, who I’ll end up raising when I should be enjoying my retirement. So I’d recommend waiting a little bit. A decade is about right.
Young people are riddled with debilitating diseases like chlamydia, and are too busy vaping to go and get tested. It’s best to wait to try the ‘sex thing’ until after you’ve got a good job. You know, one that has Bupa. Doctors and lawyers probably have that. But not people with drama degrees. Just saying.
Your first sexual experiences are rubbish
Why lose your precious virginity to some fumbling teenager in the back of a Fiat Punto, when you could lose it to a man with a steady job, in a lovely house that’s located fairly near here so I can see my grandchildren but not so close you’re popping round every day and being a nuisance?
You don’t want to get a reputation
If you’re seen as being too willing to ‘put out’, no one is going to marry you and take you on nice holidays. And before you give me the ‘side-eye’, this definitely applies to boys as well as girls – and probably non-binaries, too. Whatever their gender definition or sexuality, they all end up lonely spinsters. I’m as liberal as the next parent, but do remember that sex means a miserable and lonely death, possibly suicide.
It makes me feel weird
The idea of the precious, wondrous child I nurtured from birth getting their back blown out by a spotty 16-year-old called Callum disgusts me beyond words. Do it if you must – but know you’re sending your one and only loving mother to an early grave.