Why 26 is the ideal age to lose your virginity, by a concerned mum

IT’S best not to have sex until you’ve graduated, got a job and bought a house, explains mum Helen Archer, who only has daughter Emily’s best interests in mind, obviously.

Teenage pregnancy

Nature tells us we should be getting down to it while we’re young – and that’s an urge we must fight tooth and nail. Most, if not all, sexual intercourse between teenagers ends in a surprise baby, who I’ll end up raising when I should be enjoying my retirement. So I’d recommend waiting a little bit. A decade is about right.


Young people are riddled with debilitating diseases like chlamydia, and are too busy vaping to go and get tested. It’s best to wait to try the ‘sex thing’ until after you’ve got a good job. You know, one that has Bupa. Doctors and lawyers probably have that. But not people with drama degrees. Just saying.

Your first sexual experiences are rubbish

Why lose your precious virginity to some fumbling teenager in the back of a Fiat Punto, when you could lose it to a man with a steady job, in a lovely house that’s located fairly near here so I can see my grandchildren but not so close you’re popping round every day and being a nuisance? 

You don’t want to get a reputation

If you’re seen as being too willing to ‘put out’, no one is going to marry you and take you on nice holidays. And before you give me the ‘side-eye’, this definitely applies to boys as well as girls – and probably non-binaries, too. Whatever their gender definition or sexuality, they all end up lonely spinsters. I’m as liberal as the next parent, but do remember that sex means a miserable and lonely death, possibly suicide.

It makes me feel weird

The idea of the precious, wondrous child I nurtured from birth getting their back blown out by a spotty 16-year-old called Callum disgusts me beyond words. Do it if you must – but know you’re sending your one and only loving mother to an early grave.

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Girl born in 2006 misses the 90s

A TEENAGER whose nostalgia for the 1990s has led to her listening to Pearl Jam and stealing her dad’s plaid shirt feels it is irrelevant that she was not even alive at the time.

Nikki Hollis, 17, wishes she could go back to the good old days when Oasis were in the charts and everyone was flocking to see films like Johnny Mnemonic.

Hollis said: “Every time I hear Smells Like Teen Spirit, it really takes me back to being a vague plan my parents had for the future. But you can’t deny the 90s were amazing, probably.

“All the big grunge bands were around – Nirvana, Hootie and the Blowfish, The Cranberries. Films were better too – you’d go to the cinema and be spoilt for choice between The Craft, Sleepy Hollow and Dark City.”

Hollis was disappointed to discover her favourite indie rockstars are older than her parents, but will still be attending reunion concerts where she is the only person not middle-aged, knackered and full of life regrets. 

She has also recently bought a cassette player to listen to songs she discovered on Spotify, and has started wearing low-rise jeans which her mother was horrified to discover are technically ‘vintage’. 

Mum Clare said: “I still own Tammy Girl tops, and now she’s buying them like they’re some kind of relic. I’m 44, not the f**king Sphinx.

“I’m allowed to reminisce about the 90s because I was actually there. I’m pretty sure they only felt like good times because we were young and they were in fact shit, as I’m reminded every day when Nikki plays The Spin Doctors.”