How to be a nice sensible reasonable insufferable Labour supporter

SO-CALLED ‘sensible’ Labour supporters think any tawdry compromise or pandering to Sun readers is genius-level political strategy. Here’s how to be one of these tiresome twats.

Keep saying ‘We need to win first’

Labour can’t do much unless it wins the election, you point out correctly. But what Keir Starmer’s critics are saying – obviously – is that they’d quite like some vaguely progressive policies. Ignore this and just repeat ‘We need to win first’ endlessly. It shows you’re a realist, and thus superior to naive left-wing dreamers with their fanciful plans to rebuild some schools.

Sing the praises of ‘grown-up’ politics

In practice this tends to mean not spending any money and being ‘civil’ to Tories who’ll happily impoverish people on benefits and then have the nerve to come out with some bullshit about a bag of potatoes costing 55p. None of that matters, you just like being one of the ‘grown-ups’, even if you sound like one of those weird 20-year-olds whose sole ambition is to become a buy-to-let landlord.

Believe Starmer is more left-wing

Firmly believe Starmer will institute a raft of left-wing (but not too left-wing) policies once he’s in power. Don’t worry that there is absolutely no evidence for this, and if he’s terrified about upsetting the right-wing press now, why get the Mail, Sun and Times to make his premiership a waking nightmare in a year’s time? Strangely, to believe this, you’ll have to…

Convince yourself lying is good

Yes. Sir Keir is playing a brilliant game of deceit. This is probably the first time in history anyone’s tried to categorise lying as genuinely good, with the exception of people like conmen, Machievelli and Goebbels. Strangely none of these are held up as role models.

Admire some very strange choices of politician

Only in Labour Sensible Land would the incredibly bland private health buff Wes Streeting be considered an exciting new talent. You’re also undoubtedly keen on Jess Phillips, whose love-in with Jacob Rees-Mogg was the worst kind of nauseating Westminster chumminess. If the casual Channel 4 News viewer realised years ago he’s an arrogant, extremely right-wing oddball doing actual, real harm with his policies, why didn’t Jess? Still, she got on TV, and that’s what matters.

Develop a weird interest in patriotism

Like Starmer, you feel people should be proud of their country. Okay, whatever. It’s just that it’s hard to convert cheering for the Lionesses into reducing NHS waiting lists. In any case patriotism is always a time-wasting dead end for Labour, as the most patriotic patriots prefer the full-fat version with some rabid xenophobia and, in a perfect world, mass deportations at gunpoint.

Absolutely (still) hate Corbyn with a vengeance

Okay, Jezza was never going to win enough non-leftie voters. But he’s gone now. He really has. In fact he went in 2019. You don’t need to point out how terrible he was every single day. Does he still haunt your nightmares, like Freddy Krueger but with the far more terrifying threat of inviting you to a pro-Palestinian fundraiser? 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Watch out!' and other things not to shout at the moment of orgasm

IT can be hard to control yourself at the height of sexual passion, but it’s worth thinking before opening your mouth, if you’ve got time. Do not shout any of the following.

‘Watch out!’

Not only is this terrifying, your partner will have no idea what it means. It could refer to imminent ejaculation, or maybe you’re blurting out literally the first thing to pop into your head. If so, train yourself to say something inoffensive like ‘That’s good’ when you’re having a wank, even if it sounds a bit self-congratulatory. Whatever you settle on, remember panic and sexual arousal do not make good bedfellows, as any teenage boy who hears their mum coming up the stairs will tell you.


If you’re about to ejaculate, don’t confuse your partner by suggesting that someone has just called you to go and have your tea. If you have just been called for your tea, you’re probably a teenager having sex in your bedroom. Abruptly abandon your partner, stuff your face and bring her back a cold potato. That’s pretty normal romantic behaviour for a teenage boy.

‘It’s a new entry at number four!’

Telling your partner that they’re the fourth best shag you’ve ever had is a thoughtful, deeply flattering thing to do. However, it’s best conducted via a polite text message the following day when you’ve had time to mull it over. Verbally ranking them at the very moment of sexual ecstasy is likely to lead to errors of judgement and will put your league table out of whack. It’s also good not to sound like a Top of the Pops presenter when you’ve got your cock out. It has… associations.


You may be a keen football fan who’s pretty ecstatic about your orgasm, but likening sex to footie is wrong on quite a few levels. It’s not really something you’re meant to ‘beat’ your partner at, although her lack of an orgasm does suggest a decisive one-nil result. And even if it lasts for a thrilling 90 minutes, despite what many men believe, not all holes are goals. 

‘The goods have been delivered!’

There’s an excellent reason why strippergrams don’t dress up as Amazon drivers. This phrase is so unsexy you might as well take a photo of your semen and email it to your partner as evidence of ‘delivery’. Shout anything like this and your next ‘parcel’ will be delivered by you, to you, alone in bed having been recently dumped. Still, at least you don’t have to worry about someone nicking it out of the porch.

Blobby, blobby, blobby!’

However much you loved the pink and yellow latex funster, summoning memories of Noel’s House Party during coitus is unlikely to lead to mutual satisfaction. If this is your lover’s ‘thing’ and you’ve been cajoled into some sort of Crinkley Bottom fantasy, then check they aren’t called Noel. If so, don’t bother finding your pants, just run before he suggests you hop in the ‘gunge tank’.