Harry appears at criticism-proof event the f**ker only went and f**king founded

PRINCE Harry has appeared at an event it is impossible to criticise him for attending, which the conniving twat founded for exactly that reason.

The Duke of Sussex, who is a total bastard, and his scheming wife have attended the Invictus Games in Dusseldorf solely because wounded veterans provide the perfect screen for their monstrous betrayal.

Journalist Julian Cook, who is not technically a soldier with life-changing injuries but feels that way because of how Harry has treated him, said: “The calculating twat.

“Founding a international sporting event for wounded servicemen in 2014 just because he knew he’d need something to hide behind. He’s using them.

“Even then he knew he’d become a traitor. He knew he’d marry a Yank tart who lived to turn families against each other and slag off decent, hard-working tabloid reporters selflessly hacking mobiles.

“So he set up these games, stealing injured servicemen who by rights belong to us and right-wing political parties, just because he’s supposedly ‘a veteran’ and ‘wanted to ensure they weren’t forgotten’. He really is pure evil.”

Lance corporal and poor, hoodwinked fool Steven Malley said: “It’s such a great thing he’s done for us and it’s really made a difference. But after reading a British newspaper I now realise it he’s self-serving scum.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man annoyed his wanking considered less sexy than his wife's

A MAN has expressed his irritation that his wife’s masturbation is considered erotic, whereas his is not. 

Tom Logan feels society has double standards when an attractive women stroking herself is considered ‘sexy’, yet a man hunched over a computer watching sleazy internet porn with his trousers round his ankles is somehow considered ‘sordid’.

Logan said: “I came home to find my wife touching herself and it was so stimulating that we ended up making love there and then. 

“However, when she came home and found me erotically choking the chicken to an old episode of Carol Vorderman-era Countdown, she called it ‘disgusting’ and threatened divorce.

“She definitely wasn’t interested in a shag, despite my many suggestions since I was in the mood.

“It’s the hypocrisy that gets me. A woman can slip into sexy lingerie, video herself masturbating and men will pay to watch the footage. But when I start sexily fondling myself, I make no money at all. In fact I’m in danger of being banned from the library.

“When a woman masturbates it’s empowering, yet when I tell people how comfortable I am sexually stimulating myself in new, sensual ways they tell me to shut up because they’re eating.

“If you ask me, women’s lib has gone too far.”