Missed the last bus: the real reasons you end up shagging on the first date

YOUR date thinks he did everything right to lure you into his lair of love on the first date. This is the real reasons you gave up and f**ked him: 

Fancy postcode

The date was winding down. It had been a solid five out of ten evening. Then she mentioned the fancy area she was travelling back to and you were overwhelmed with lust. Fast forward half an hour and you’re gawping at chandeliers and walk-in wardrobes as you bang someone you barely give a shit about.

Missed the last bus

Thanks to your date droning on about his emotionally distant father, the evening overran and you missed the last bus home. But while his anecdote game might be underwhelming, he’s crushing it in the living-nearby department. Going back to his will cost you your self respect, but that’s much cheaper than an Uber because it doesn’t involve real money.

They’ve already got the heating on

Not only is your date clearly flush with cash, but she’s already turned her flat into a warm bank. The cost of living crisis is forcing everyone to make difficult choices, and you had to choose between being sexless and cold or warm while giving head. Nobody blames you for what you did.

Your housemates are having a party

You’ve had a long week and you’re f**king knackered, then you remember your housemates are having some friends around to take edibles and listen to MF Doom until the early hours. Meanwhile your date lives on his own and you’d get to enjoy some uninterrupted slumber after brisk, perfunctory intercourse. It’s a no-brainer.

It’s been a while

When was the last time you got your end away? Jesus. No wonder you shagged him on the first date, you were at risk of forgetting how it’s done. The main thing you remember from this brief encounter is the walk of shame the next morning. It was miles better than the inept fumbling the night before.

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How to remind someone they owe you a pint from five years ago

DID you buy someone a pint five years ago and they are yet to repay their beer debt? Broach the topic carefully but forcefully: 

Lay the groundwork

Getting the pint you’re owed requires military planning. You need to settle on a venue, agree on a time, and crucially make sure you invite the bastard who stiffed you out of a drink all those years ago. Otherwise the whole venture is a complete waste of f**king time and you’ll have to beg them to PayPal you the cash amount. 

Lull them into a false sense of security

Soften them up by treating them to the first round. Maybe even throw in a couple bags of crisps and some nuts for good measure. Don’t think of this as extra outlay, it’s an investment. With alcohol flowing through their veins and a stomach full of pub snacks, they’ll be nice and vulnerable for your small vengeance.

Bring it up as a joke

Laugh it off like it’s not a big deal. So what if you bought them a £4.65 pint of American pale ale from The King’s Head in Birmingham back in 2017 and they never offered to pay you back? It’s ancient history. Honestly, you’ve forgotten all about it. Playfully punch them on the arm a little too hard.

Provide evidence

Seeing as you’re talking about the pint though, you’ve actually got all the receipts from that night in your pocket. What a weird coincidence. If your friend studies them carefully they’ll see they do actually owe you a beer. No, you’ll tell them, it’s not petty, it’s fair. If the tables were turned you would totally understand.

Bring backup

At this point they might start getting aggressive, so make sure you’ve got backup. Preferably they’ll be someone who was there back in the day and can support your claim for the pint you’re rightfully owed. If not just pay someone to lie, ideally someone called Big Tony. It’s not like anyone can remember anything that happened so very long ago.