The seven crap stages of a whirlwind dating app romance

LOOKING for love on a dating app? Instead getting caught up in a whirlwind virtual dysfunctional romance? Here’s how it will unfold without you ever meeting: 

The trawl

You won’t find The One instantly. It takes at least 10 minutes of furious swiping where you instantaneously judge strangers by their first photo. You haven’t got time to waste reading their carefully written bio which gives a better indication of your compatibility. If they’re an eight or above, swipe right already.

It’s a match!

Finally! You and some randomer have made the same thumb gesture on your phone screens! This is definitely the start of your life together and not the incident your counsellor will privately refer to as the origin story of your porn addiction and daytime drinking. Congrats!

The opening line

You only get to make a good first impression once, so blow your beloved away with a charming opening line like ‘how’s your weekend going?’ or even just a classic ‘hi’. Nothing gets the conversation flowing like vague, generic copy-and-pasted phrases. Are those wedding bells you hear tinkling in the distance?

Tedious small talk

If all goes well you’ll get swept up in a tedious back-and-forth exchanging details about the number of siblings you have and where you last went on holiday. Keep the conversation rolling by asking relentless questions, no matter how mundane. ‘How tall are you?’ and ‘do you have any pets’ are an ideal warm up to the main event…


This is what you both came for. Sizzling, X-rated sexting which will come back to ruin your career should you ever occupy a position in public life. Note how they’re not saying anything too incriminating while you’re opening up about your most perverted fantasies. Look forward to screenshots of this conversation doing the rounds if you ever make it big.

Catching emotions

You’ve only known this person for twenty minutes and you’ve been sitting on the toilet all that time, but you think you’re in love. Maybe it’s the way she ‘doesn’t take life too seriously’ or the fact that she ‘likes adventures’, but you’ve convinced yourself this person is a one-of-a-kind catch. Open up a new tab and browse engagement rings.

Getting ghosted

Shit, has the internet gone down? It’s saying you’re online. So how come they’ve suddenly stopped replying? Send them another message. Then another. Then half a dozen more. Perhaps they’ve hopped in the shower. Keep spamming them until they unmatch with you, which must be because the app has crashed. Return to the homescreen and repeat this guide from the top.

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It can always get worse

EVERYTHING can always get so much worse, Britons have been forcibly reminded by events.

The candidates to replace a grievously appalling prime minister, rising inflation, rising mortgages and BBC show I Can See Your Voice has the country recognising there is no such thing as rock bottom.

Nail technician Hannah Tomlinson said: “I’d lost the house I was buying, because there aren’t any mortgages, then got dumped for being sad about it. That was Monday.

“Seems weird now but I had a bottle of wine that evening and felt kind of jubilant. I’d taken everything life could throw at me and I was still standing and singing Rihanna.

“Then the toilet broke, my landlord put the rent up, I got my hours cut at work and Netflix is going to kick me off my sister’s account. What a total dick Monday-me was.”

Tom Booker agreed: “I toasted Liz Truss’s resignation as if getting rid of a clueless twat who crashed the economy was good news, then woke up to all the Bring Back Boris headlines.

“People say it gets worse before it gets better. But it also gets worse before it gets even worse then worse still then worse again. And I think we’re not even halfway through that.”