Check in 4pm, check out 10am and other annoying hotel bullshit

STAYING in a hotel should be a wonderful luxury, but they seem to love rules and customs that make it a pain in the arse. Like these.

Check in 4pm, Check out 10am

Hotels want you to spend as little time there as possible. If you arrive at 3.59pm you’ll be greeted with an annoyed tut, and if you stay beyond 10.01, housekeeping will try to make the bed with you still in it. Does it take six hours to clean a room? Judging by those weird stains on the pillow cases, maybe it does.

The minibar

A minibar sounds like it will be a convenient way for you to consume drinks and snacks while you relax in your stylish room. The reality is that you’ll spend £7 on a can of Coke and £12 on a bag of salted cashews, which you eat, weeping, while looking out over a view of the M6 just outside Birmingham.

Expensive, crap wifi

Wifi is a vital service, like running water, and yet hotels make it fiendishly difficult and horribly expensive to use. After you’ve gone through the lengthy process of logging in you get 15 minutes for free, before having to shell out £10 for 24 hours access. You check out eight hours later having found out that you can’t even use it to watch porn.

Buffet breakfasts

You imagine stacks of fluffy pancakes, perfectly crisp bacon and jugs of freshly squeezed orange juice. But the reality is rubbery eggs swimming in grease, questionable sausages and individual packs of supermarket-brand cornflakes. Still, you paid for it, so you stuff yourself, and then spend the rest of the day suffering.

Bedroom to bathroom proximity

When you booked your romantic city break, you failed to factor in that you can’t afford a suite which means you’ll have to take a shit within approximately two metres of your hot new lover. Yes, there’s a wall between you, but it’s just a bit of cheap plasterboard so the incredible intimacy you’ll be experiencing together is the sound and smells of each other’s bowel movements.

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How to make it clear that a present you've gifted was more expensive that it looks

JUST dropped £65 on a special candle and you’re worried the recipient won’t realise how much you spent? Here’s how to be unsubtle about it:

Leave the price on

The easiest way to make sure your treasured friend knows how much of your wages you wasted on them is to leave the price tag on. If the gift was so fancy that there was no price attached, get some labels and stick it on yourself. Once your friend has unwrapped it and gasped appropriately, snatch it from them with a hammy cry of ‘Oh, don’t look! Don’t look!’

Tell them they can change it

‘The receipt’s in the bag’ you tell them innocently, ‘so you can change it if you want’. Make sure it’s not a gift receipt, so that the price is clearly stated, and why not highlight it in fluorescent yellow pen? Just so they really understand how much they mean to you, in monetary terms.

Tell a long, tedious story about when you bought it

Not happy with a quick thanks before the conversation moves on, you have to tell a long story about your gift-buying adventure, which involved a lengthy drive to a city with a big shopping centre and a day spent walking around a series of luxury shops. Even if they don’t know the exact amount you spent, they’ll feel appropriately guilty by the time you’ve shut up.

Be blunt

If they still aren’t showing an acceptable level of appreciation for your incredible kindness, just tell them it cost £65, actually, and they’re being incredibly rude. List all the presents you’ve bought them in the past and compare those to the bits of crap they gave you in return, before storming out. Your friendship is ruined, but at least you’ll never have to get them a gift again.