Screwed, shafted or f**ked? Britain asked

BRITAIN has been asked to choose between leaders who will either screw them, shaft them or f**k them, it has emerged.

With no decent options left, the country has been offered a prime minister from a dismal array of contenders who will inevitably run it into the ground in one way or another.

A government spokesperson said: “I know, I know, but this is all we’ve got. Cover your eyes and point to one if that makes it easier. It’s the same result either way.

“How about this guy? Years of experience as chancellor, chucked you a few quid during lockdown, revealed his nasty side during the last leadership race when you turned him down. He’s over it now and raring to go.

“Or there’s this one. Probably as bad as the rest but still a bit of a mystery. One for the dads, or at least the ones who will jump at the chance to cast their vote based on who looks good in a swimsuit.

“You’re already familiar with the other choice so I’ll spare you the details. He’s high risk, low reward but that’s what we’re down to. Just be grateful Rees-Mogg isn’t in the running.

“If there was another choice where everyone could have their say then I’d offer it to you. But there isn’t, so shut the f** up and stop asking.”

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Friend you know you can always turn to in a crisis avoiding your calls

A WOMAN who knows she can always rely on her best friend as a comforting shoulder to cry on has worn that privilege out.

Emma Bradford, who has been best friends with Helen Archer since primary school, has rung her 17 times in the last two days and is perplexed as to why she won’t pick up.

Bradford said: “It’s odd. We’ve been inseparable for 20 years and she’s always been there throughout the slow motion car crash that is my life, but now she won’t come running the second I demand it.

“I know she’s getting married next weekend and her son has been ill, but that still doesn’t explain why she won’t drop everything to spend an evening consoling me after I’ve been dumped by someone who was obviously a prick when I met him.

“I better pop round and check she’s ok. I’ll drink a bottle of wine first though, just to make sure I’m such a weepy, incapable mess that she won’t feel able to send me away again.”

Helen Archer said: “I’d sit her down and explain about boundaries but I just haven’t got the time. So we’ll have to spend the evening sitting at home with the lights off in case she turns up.”