Big fat blonde ex after rebound sex

YOUR big fat blonde cheating lying bastard of an ex has heard you are single again and has put in a call.

The ex, who treated you like shit then straight up told you to your face he had not until he was found out again, assumes that as a few weeks have passed since he was dumped he is now completely forgiven.

Helen Archer of Hinckley said: “That wanker. Nothing for a month-and-a-half until he hears the coast’s clear, then he’s straight in with a text.

“Selfie of him in the Caribbean – how he’s affording that I don’t know, and isn’t he meant to be working? – saying ‘thinking of you we were so great together babes xx’ and I’m meant to fall into his arms.

“Yes, the last relationship didn’t work out. Yes, I’m a magnet for big-promising shitheads who blow my money on piss-all. Yes I’m ashamed of myself. But come on.

“It was only July I kicked you out. I’m still finding red wine stains and used condoms under sofa cushions. I’ve still got the letter from the STI clinic. No. Just f**king no.”

The ex texted back ‘flying back in today rly need to see you let’s meet up wstmnstr?? xxx’.

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General election would be irresponsible, says party that just elected inept chainsaw-juggling unicyclist

THE party that chose an amateur chainsaw-juggler to perform her act on the roof of a burning orphanage believes a general election would be dangerous and irresponsible.

Conservatives, who decided to throw a non-driver the keys to a Lamborghini Huracan even though she was pissed, have agreed that Britain simply cannot risk an election right now.

Susan Traherne, member for Bury St Edmunds, said: “This is nothing to do with that girl we gave a flamethrower to and sent into the library. This is serious.

“And a general election now, while this country is battling on fronts as diverse as inflation, Ukraine, energy bills and not liking the Tories? It would be wrong to consider it.

“Yes, we did just strap Truss and Kwarteng into a fighter jet and tell them to have fun, but allowing the electorate their say on a new prime minister? It would be suicidal.

“They say they want a general election, but the last woman said she wanted a low-tax high-growth economy which is why we were cool with letting her play drums on the National Bomb Collection. Look how that worked out.

“No, the party who released tigers into your children’s primary school is putting safety first. No election for a year.”