Whirling carousel of disintegrating insanity the new normal

A SCREAMING whirlpool of burning shit and ruined futures worsening day by day is the new normal, Britain has confirmed. 

Today’s events, in which a prime minister has resigned in less time than it took to elect her while a headless government shrieks like a sodomised chicken, are now considered pretty much par for the course.

Tom Logan of Battersea said: “Yeah, it’s kind of like being locked in an out-of-control rollercoaster spiralling down into the maw of an active volcano while the passengers murder each other. After a while you get used to it.

“That doesn’t mean I’m not constantly anxious, terrified and prone to panic attacks, because I am. But that’s a rational reaction to living in the deteriorating Hironymous Bosch theme park lunatic asylum of modern Britain, so it’s no biggie.

“New prime minister? Fine. Same as the old one we all hated? Whatever. Covid on the rise? Recession entered? Blackouts in the depths of winter? I expect it.

“I mean I’m not blameless. Just last week it all got to me a bit and I ran howling down the high street naked, speaking in tongues and wielding twin machetes. Nobody held it against me.

“We’re all mad here. I think I’ll vote Tory again next time. Why not?”

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The anti-growth coalition will f**k you up

THE anti-growth coalition has well and truly proven that if you call them out they will f**k you up.

The coalition, which comprises of every political party that is not the Conservatives along with unions, vested interests and 70s art-rockers Talking Heads, has toppled a prime minister in a record 44 days.

Nathan Muir of Halifax said: “Wow. These people are motherf**king hardcore.

“I’d never heard of them until last month and I’ll be honest, I thought they were a load of made-up bollocks from a paranoid extremist. Boy was I wrong.

“They’ve got Truss’s head dangling from the belt and they still want more. Maybe it was them got rid of Johnson, too, and May. And Cameron. And Brown and Blair.

“They make the Sinaloa Cartel look like a knitting circle, the Yakuza like tits, the Mafia like a pub darts team. They topple empires. They change reality with a snap of their fingers.

“Wait, Brexit deniers are part of it? I’m one of those. F**k with me at your peril, bitches. AGC for life.”