GOT a date, but not sure what to talk about because you’re a socially dysfunctional weirdo? Don’t worry, just jump in with any of these interesting topics.
Mixed martial arts
Okay, you haven’t actually joined an MMA club or had any fights yet, but you love watching it on TV and you’ve done some pretty impressive jabs, chokes and roundhouse kicks in your bedroom. Obviously it’s great to just talk about, but to really impress a date, stand up and demonstrate some moves in the middle of a restaurant.
The Gaza conflict
Starting an in-depth conversation on this topic as soon as you’ve sat down marks you out as a serious political thinker. And as a weirdo and therefore an armchair war nerd your main interest in this tragic situation will be the awesome high-tech weaponry being used. As you list the different types of guided and unguided munitions likely to be deployed by Israeli F-16 Falcons your date is guaranteed to be thinking: ‘Yes, I want to sleep with this man.’
Your masculine hobby
Women might not admit it, but they all secretly hanker after macho men with a hint of danger about them. So on your first date tell them about your alpha male hobby of collecting replica samurai swords. Or your crossbow and nunchucks – they’re all equally sexy. Your date will need a strong man to protect her from roaming mobs after the apocalypse anyway. Tell her that in as many words.
Conventional advice about flirting tells you to give your date compliments and keep the conversation light, with maybe a touch of bawdiness to spice things up. This overlooks the erotic frisson of discussing the grudge the EU still holds against the UK, and how Ursula von der Leyen wants to ruin our Brexit. Your date will be putty in your hands as you angrily rattle off statistics about reduced fishing catches.
Mentioning your ex will make you seem like an experienced lothario with a storied, romantic background. Don’t shatter the illusion by letting slip that you’re talking about someone you briefly dated asexually for three weeks during your GCSEs.
Joe is more popular than ever with nutters, with his genuine amazement about utter bollocks like UFO sightings and nonsensical conspiracies. He’s got some really interesting views on feminism, mainly that it’s gone too far, which is just the sort of thing to get your date off to a lively start.
This remains a burning issue for you long after everyone else started gladly forgetting about Covid. But with Big Brother mind control implants being the greatest threat facing humanity today, it’s a compelling topic. Don’t hold back on your anti-vax views – if your date is looking for someone to settle down and have kids with they’re bound to be attracted to someone who will expose their offspring to as many easily preventable communicable diseases as possible.