Mixed martial arts, and other excellent first date conversations if you're a f**king nutter

GOT a date, but not sure what to talk about because you’re a socially dysfunctional weirdo? Don’t worry, just jump in with any of these interesting topics.

Mixed martial arts

Okay, you haven’t actually joined an MMA club or had any fights yet, but you love watching it on TV and you’ve done some pretty impressive jabs, chokes and roundhouse kicks in your bedroom. Obviously it’s great to just talk about, but to really impress a date, stand up and demonstrate some moves in the middle of a restaurant.

The Gaza conflict

Starting an in-depth conversation on this topic as soon as you’ve sat down marks you out as a serious political thinker. And as a weirdo and therefore an armchair war nerd your main interest in this tragic situation will be the awesome high-tech weaponry being used. As you list the different types of guided and unguided munitions likely to be deployed by Israeli F-16 Falcons your date is guaranteed to be thinking: ‘Yes, I want to sleep with this man.’

Your masculine hobby

Women might not admit it, but they all secretly hanker after macho men with a hint of danger about them. So on your first date tell them about your alpha male hobby of collecting replica samurai swords. Or your crossbow and nunchucks – they’re all equally sexy. Your date will need a strong man to protect her from roaming mobs after the apocalypse anyway. Tell her that in as many words. 


Conventional advice about flirting tells you to give your date compliments and keep the conversation light, with maybe a touch of bawdiness to spice things up. This overlooks the erotic frisson of discussing the grudge the EU still holds against the UK, and how Ursula von der Leyen wants to ruin our Brexit. Your date will be putty in your hands as you angrily rattle off statistics about reduced fishing catches. 

Your ex

Mentioning your ex will make you seem like an experienced lothario with a storied, romantic background. Don’t shatter the illusion by letting slip that you’re talking about someone you briefly dated asexually for three weeks during your GCSEs.

Joe Rogan

Joe is more popular than ever with nutters, with his genuine amazement about utter bollocks like UFO sightings and nonsensical conspiracies. He’s got some really interesting views on feminism, mainly that it’s gone too far, which is just the sort of thing to get your date off to a lively start.


This remains a burning issue for you long after everyone else started gladly forgetting about Covid. But with Big Brother mind control implants being the greatest threat facing humanity today, it’s a compelling topic. Don’t hold back on your anti-vax views – if your date is looking for someone to settle down and have kids with they’re bound to be attracted to someone who will expose their offspring to as many easily preventable communicable diseases as possible.

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Grandparents delicately ask newlywed granddaughter if she is riding him bareback

AN elderly couple have asked their granddaughter whether she and her husband are f**king bareback in order to produce great-grandchildren. 

Though they do not wish to pry, Margaret and Bob Gerving felt it was important to ask out loud whether Lauren Hewitt is foregoing contraception and letting their new grandson-in-law come inside her.

Margaret said: “There’s nothing inappropriate about asking if we can expect the pitter-patter of tiny feet any time soon, and whether they’re taking the necessary steps to make that happen. 

“Lauren is getting on, after all. They say fertility plummets after 35 and she’s 29 already. It’s best if he starts going in unsheathed now so that they have plenty of time to have as many as they want.

“I told her so while we were having tea. That and to stay lying down until her husband’s ejaculate has done its work.”

However Lauren said: “Hearing my grandad use the terms ‘rubber johnny’ and ‘emissions’ honestly made me want to vomit, but I couldn’t go and be sick in case they interpreted it as morning sickness.

“It’s definitely had the opposite of the desired effect, because I haven’t been able to have sex since. I think we might skip children altogether and just get loads of cats.”