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Mortified woman drunk texted her current boyfriend

A WOMAN who sent a salacious drunken text implying sexual availability is horrified that it went to her boyfriend instead of an ex. 

Hungover Lauren Hewitt checked her phone after an evening of drinking and self-pity and realised the emotional and frankly horny text she sent at 1.10am was to partner of 18 months Tom Logan, not a toxic old flame.

She said: “Oh God, did I just tell the man I’m meeting for tapas tonight that I ‘want to bounce on his dick’? Shameful.

“I remembered doing something deeply unwise with my phone in my hand and there’s no Deliveroo order left outside, so I assumed it was sexting. But Tom? When there are so many numbers in my phone called ‘NEVER TEXT THIS ARSEHOLE’?

“I praised his personality, his beautiful eyes, his oral technique, all these things I don’t mean at all now I’m sober. Now he’s going to think I’m a tragic, obsessive lightweight with no options.

“Why couldn’t I fire a misguided text off to my university boyfriend which Tom discovers, causing a massive row which ultimately brings us closer? No, I had to go and ruin everything with my stupid, stupid sincerity.”

Boyfriend Tom Logan said: “I didn’t read all 430 words of hammered autocorrect. I just gave it a thumbs up emoji, which covers every possibility.”

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The wild rumours circulating at Labour's conference probably, we don't know, we can't get in

LABOUR’S annual conference is abuzz with rumours that would scandalise and horrify Britain, we imagine, we didn’t get a pass. Here they are anyway: 

“Rachel Reeves fails to recognise numbers” 

At a fringe event, the chancellor caused consternation by not recognising a display of positive integers, calling them ‘gobbledegook’ and pitifully attempting to claw at them before ordering off-menu. She later tried to explain it as being because numbers are Arabic while she is a patriot.

“Andy Burnham accompanied by personal dry ice team”

The Mayor of Manchester enters and leaves every event in billows of dramatic dry ice like a Stars In Your Eyes contestant, accompanied by speakers blaring Back by Dope Demand. Has changed to his glitter-black eyeshadow and mascara.

“Suella Braverman defecting to Labour”

A shocking twist in the long-running saga of Suella Braverman’s defection to Reform takes place at 3pm today when she strides on the stage as the new home secretary. Also recognises Palestine with a complex, multi-part cool handshake.

“Trump actually kind of a dick”

Contrary to his sumptuous state reception a fortnight ago, senior members of the government secretly believe president Trump to be somewhat gauche and odious, they have privately muttered. ‘But the nation must never suspect,’ they continue, checking over their shoulders.

“New towns to be named after Starmer’s mother’s donkeys”

The three new towns in Bedfordshire, Leeds and north London are to be named after the Starmer family’s beloved tax-shelter donkeys: Florrie, Benjamin (an Animal Farm reference) and Chris De Burgh (noted donkey rescue philanthropist). Residents of the latter will be known as ‘Chris De Burghers’ and widely mocked.

“Angela Rayner buying West Ham”

Former deputy prime minister Angela Rayner is launching an ambitious bid to wrest West Ham from respected Tory pornographer David Sullivan. With funding provided by her billion-pound property empire, the flame-haired temptress plans to launch the club into Europe’s elite and seduce Jarrod Bowen.

“Starmer resigning tomorrow” 

No, this is the rumour at the Conservative conference next week.

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