Paris, and other boring, unimaginative places to be in love

THINK your love for your partner is unique and unlike any other? It’s not if you insist on doing it in these clichéd places:


Wow, how’d you hit on Paris as a destination for your romantic getaway? Did it come to you in a dream? Trying to be in love in the literal City of Love is as easy as falling off a baguette. Try Luton next time, that will really test your limits for being besotted with each other.


How predictable. You can’t say ‘romance’ without saying Rome. If you can only stand each other when you’re sharing a tiramisu near the Trevi Fountain you’re probably not meant to be, and will struggle to keep the flame alive once you’ve moved to a new build estate near Gloucester and spawned two annoying kids.

The beach

There’s nothing like a long walk on the beach. The stunning scenery, the fresh sea air, the sound of the waves so loud that you can barely hear your partner going on about whatever shit their colleague did this week. Of course you feel loved-up, you twee, boring bastards.

A fancy restaurant

Dressing up and splashing the cash on oysters and expensive wine, are you? Think your partner will love you even more because you’ve shelled out a couple of hundred quid on several tiny plates of food with names you can’t pronounce? You should know that real love can withstand multiple trips to the same Pizza Express with the same 50% off voucher.

In each other’s eyes

Oh f**k off. You two don’t even need to leave the house, do you? Mooning about, able to spend time together without being three pints deep or high on some illegal substance. It’s pathetic, but worst of all? So unoriginal. Anyway, it will definitely wear off within a year or two, leaving you shackled together by a mortgage and a dog, so enjoy it while it lasts.

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France's turn to go through nutjob leader phase

FRANCE is on course to follow the example set by Britain and America by electing a nutjob into power, it has emerged.

With Marine Le Pen gaining ground on Emmanuel Macron, the country of liberty, equality and fraternity looks set to be the latest Western democracy to let an unhinged lunatic run things for a bit.

Frenchman Jean-Pierre Boucher said: “Things have been steady if unremarkable over the last few years, so it’s time we shook things up by voting in a far right radical. It’s gone down well everywhere else.

“With Le Pen in charge we can beat our longstanding rival the UK at their own game. We’ll leave the EU, shit all over our international reputation, and have queues of lorries stretching from Calais to Nice. In comparison Britain might almost look respectable.”

Parisian Amélie Lautrec said: “When Le Pen eventually gets voted out we’ll have our own version of the Capitol riots. Only ours will be bigger and better because it will have guillotines. I can’t wait.”

She added: “Anyway, even if Le Pen turns out to be a right wing nightmare that tanks the country, at least she isn’t also an embarrassing comedy buffoon like your one.”