People who order spaghetti on dates 10 times less likely to get a shag

ORDERING spaghetti on a date is a surefire way to obliterate sexual allure, according to new research.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “Fighting to ram unruly worms of pasta into your gaping mouth can kill attraction stone-dead within seconds.

“A lot of it has to do with proximity, so unless you and your date can sit opposite ends of a banquet table, Beauty-and-the-Beast-style, steer the hell clear.”

Emma Bradford, from Salibury admitted: “I was really turned on by my date until he began a slow battle with his spaghetti alla marinara.

“By the end of the meal he had fishy red sauce all round his mouth and in his hair. He’d basically transformed into Ronald Macdonald, and that’s nobody’s sex fantasy.

“Or is it?”


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It's Easter now, say supermarkets

SUPERMARKETS have confirmed that it is Easter now.

A spokesman for the British Retail Consortium said: “It’s spring. Just look at this picture of a rolling field, sunshine and green grass. Buy six hot cross buns.

“If you think it’s still January it’s because you’ve not had your chocolate eggs yet. There’s new ones this year, probably. Also Pancake day is round this time, so don’t forget lemons and Nutella.

“And the clocks go forward soon, so maybe you need some extra food to do with that. And booze. And a new outfit.

“Buy these Lindt bunnies.”