Caterpillars reject 'very hungry' stereotype

CATERPILLARS have called for an end to the assumption that they are incredibly gluttonous.

Monarch caterpillar Tom Logan said: “I’m not saying I’m a small eater, but I only consume the calories required to keep me going through the pupal stage. No more, no less.

“And I don’t eat ice cream or cakes, I’m fairly sure that would be fatal.”

Logan described the notion of caterpillar gluttony as “lazy at best, at worst a form of racism”.

He said: “I can hear what kids say when they point me out to their parents, and yes it hurts. There should be more complex and multilayered caterpillar characters in literature.

“What about a caterpillar who’s a spy with a tortured past?”

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Entire nation resolves to quit work and open café

EVERY single person in Britain has vowed to quit their horrible boring job and open a lovely local café, it has emerged.

The cafes, which would variously be focused on books, jazz, cats, crisps, boardgames and the music of the Human League, would apparently be easy to run despite the inexperience of their owners.

Martin Bishop of Manchester said: “Mine would be a cottage in the foothills of Snowdonia, sell rare maps like the one I got for Christmas, and have a lovely red setter that greeted weary customers.

“Though it’d be pretty quiet so mainly I’d lounge about drinking coffee and eating croissants.”

Colleage Eleanor Shaw said: “My Cotswold-stone former toll house would have crystals in the windows casting lovely rainbows of light and specialise in cupcakes. It’s definitely happening. I’ve been on Zoopla.”

Business expert Joe Turner said: “There is the minor concern that people are confusing sitting around in a café with the hard grind of running a small business, with all its workload of hygiene certificates, insurance, tax and employment law.

“But mostly it doesn’t matter by next week they’ll have abandoned all hope.”