Petrol stations confirm they have plenty of horrible flowers

PETROL stations have stocked up on cheap, manky flowers in time for Valentine’s Day.

Mark Jameson, the manager of a BP garage in Sutton, said: “We know every year to order them in bulk. Perplexed and stressed out men are desperate to pay money for ugly flowers.

“So long as they’re displeasing to the eye and next to the door, the men go nuts for them. They literally cannot get enough shit flowers.

“We arrange beautiful, handpicked bouquets of horrid foliage to compliment the flowers that have wilted and died.

“Our customers love a mix of the two and business has never been better.”

Customer Wayne Hayes, said: “Thank god for this handy BP garage providing such gorgeous flowers. I don’t even look at the price because it’s all about love.”

Hayes then peeled off half of the ‘reduced’ label before flicking away some of the shrivelled brown bits.

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'I could have saved up a deposit for a flat if it wasn’t for all those f**king hen weekends'

“YOUNG people aren’t spending all their money on brunch, they’re spending it on ruinously expensive hen and stag weekends organised by arseholes.

“Gone are the days when an acceptable way to say goodbye to single life was a budget night getting utterly shitfaced in the largest nearby city and parading around in a sash being lairy and terrifying weedy men.

“Instead the brides-to-be are now using these events to measure how much of a friend we are based on whether we’re prepared to shell out the price of a second-hand car to accompany them on a weekend-long pageant of rampant narcissism.

“There is no other scenario in which I would pay a small fortune to spend a weekend in Prague or a draughty ‘rustic’ barn in Yorkshire with eleven women I barely know, several of whom I will see naked or vomiting, or both, by the Sunday morning.

“I love my friends, but I think I’d love a south-facing one bedroom flat a lot more.”