Quiz: Are you shit in bed?

ARE you a rampant stallion in the bedroom, the envy of your neighbours, or has no partner ever found the courage to tell you you’re completely shit?

Confirm your worst suspicions with our quiz: 

How long should sex last?

A) Between seven minutes and a quarter of an hour, as recommended by sex therapists for a satisfying but not gruelling sexual experience

B) Between four and eight thrusts

Have you ever tried ‘talking dirty’, and if so how?

A) Telling your partner how aroused they are making you

B) Abruptly shouting upsetting porn-grade filth such as “Take it deep like the filthy beast you are!” before apologising profusely

What is the G-spot?

A) A particularly sensitive area of a woman’s vagina

B) The New York nightclub base of 50 Cent’s G-Unit crew, from which they record posse cuts and fight crime

How do you feel about performing oral sex on your partner?

A) Enthusiastic and ready to show off your skills

B) Disgusted and so, so afraid

What do you think is arousing for a sexual partner?

A) Finding out what they enjoy and performing with skill, passion and affection

B) Either lying there with your teeth gritted or pumping grimly away like you’re trying to unblock a drain

What sort of foreplay do you engage in?

A) Erotic massage, kissing, licking and teasing erogenous zones

B) Muting the TV or pausing Netflix

Mostly As: You are either not shit in bed or good at completing surveys to make it look like you are not shit in bed. Congratulations, either way

Mostly Bs: You are shit in bed. Either try to think about your partner more or invest in a delay spray from a sex shop that has a 30 per cent chance of making your cock fall off.

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Harry Potter film to feature hugely gay owl

AN upcoming Harry Potter film will avoid the subject of Dumbledore’s sexuality but will feature an extremely gay owl, the director has confirmed. 

The second movie in the Fantastic Beasts series has been criticised by fans for leaving out the young wizard’s romance with Gellert Grindelwald, but director David Yates has promised the owl will more than make up for it.

He added: “The owl wasn’t even gay in the script, but when this particular bird auditioned we rewrote half the film to accommodate him.

“He’s magnificent, and gay in a very authentically 1930s way; louche in the right company but always aware that he cannot be open about his real self for fear that a disapproving seagull might caw in the ear of the authorities.

“There isn’t a scene where it actually gets physical – it’s a film aimed at younger audiences, and the bird has a no-nudity clause – but trust me, you’ll be in no doubt whatsoever. You couldn’t be.”

The news follows Lucasfilm’s announcement that a major character in Star Wars: The Last Jedi was openly bisexual, while declining to say which one for the sake of their privacy.