A WOMAN who has never met her ex’s new partner has managed to accumulate an entire file of detailed information on her.
Emma Bradford has told all of her friends that she ‘couldn’t care less if Tom has shacked up with whatsherface’, despite knowing that ‘whatsherface’ is named Anna Lucia Melanie Smith is 28 years old, three months and two days and lives at 32b Southall Avenue, Manchester.
She said: “I’ve moved on. It’s his business if he wants to date some tall, leggy brunette with a 2:1 in Law from the University of Leeds.
“If anything, I feel sorry for him. She has asthma, so good luck to him dragging her on all those long, boring nature walks he loves so much.
“Also, she’s only pretty in about 72 of her Instagram pictures. The other 43 are iffy at best. There’s one where one eye definitely looks smaller than the other.
“And who’s that guy she’s hugging? Sure, she says it’s her brother, but we all know she’s a skilled liar – when she was seven she pretended to have a pet dragon called Smokey for three whole weeks.”
Bradford was last seen outside of the couple’s home, where she had come to ‘wish them well’ and have a quick look through the bins.